Wesker has a Way with
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: Collection of one-shots revolving around Wesker and his best men HUNK and Jack Krauser. Summary inside. Parody. Complete.
1. Walkie Talkies

New series. Parody and humor so most definitely OOC at times. It just came to me that Wesker has a way with... Sounds nice.  
So from now on Wesker has a way with... And then a word starting with a W.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Wesker or Krauser. They belong to Capcom. For Capcom PWNS.  
**Inspired by**: Letters that return. Like Taker Took my Toys was inspired by it too.  
**Warnings:** Not quite sure. Crackfic?  
**Notes:** Forget RE5, it never happened. (Though he looked gooooooooood... Dooooooooood)

**ENJOY!**

* * *

**Wesker has a way with walkie-talkies.**

Wesker was sitting in his room staring at a package that had been brought to him by a random employee. He wasn't sure whether to open it or not because he was positive about the fact that there were some people around him that wanted him dead. Or deader, whatever you want really.  
So there he sat, staring at the package, wondering where it had came from. He approached the package with caution and picked it up from his desk. A little hesitant he held it against his ear and listened. There was no ticking so it wasn't a timebomb or a clock.

Somehow that saddened the man because his old clock was broken so he really could use a new one. He had no idea what had happened to the old clock, but there was a hole in it, so he was thinking someone might've shot the thing.  
He hoped it had not been Krauser... Krauser had a way with clocks, he wasn't very good at telling time. Oh so maybe he did not have a way with clocks. Krauser was always late, no matter the occasion. Sure it had bothered Wesker, but he was getting used to it.

Still a bit hesitant he turned the package around and found an envelope. He shrugged and pulled it off but immediately felt the urge to throw it away. Death is hiding everywhere, even in envelopes.  
A bit annoyed he summoned an employee and ordered the person to check out the envelope in another room. He could miss one or two employees, so if death was hiding in the paper it wouldn't be that bad.

The employee went into another room and checked the envelope. He grabbed the phone in the room and called Wesker.  
"Sir, I am positive that there is nothing in this envelope that could harm you."

"Hnnn, so no powder?"

"No sir..." The employee frowned. "Sir, are you on crack?"

Wesker smirked a small smirk and was happy the other man couldn't see it. "Don't be ridiculous!" He stared at the package again. "Bring me back the envelope."

And so he got the envelope back, opened and apparantly safe. He took out the piece of paper that was in it and realised it came from Krauser.

_'Hey man I got this thing aye? I got this thing for kids aye? No not in that way pervert... Damnit. Anyway, I never had a normal childhood aye? So now I'm catching up aye? So I saw these and I thought ´Wooooow dude, those be cool´ aye? Anyway, there's two, so I decided to give you one too aye?  
__So now you can always contact me without having to call me aye? Well, as long as I'm no more than a mile away from you and the batteries ain't dead. But that's not important aye?  
__Enjoy it.  
__Jack.'_

Wesker read the note and sighed before grabbing the package again. He was sure it was safe now considering the fact Krauser was more loyal to him than he was himself, and the man would never hurt Wesker.  
So he opened it and inside he found a walkie-talkie.

"Wakie-talkies?" Wesker adjusted his sunglasses. "I never had those when I was a kid either..."

He pressed a button and was welcomed by a strange noise, indicating it was working... somehow. He read the short manual that came with it and pressed the button again, this time not releasing it. "Jack?"

"You got it? Heh, I wasn't sure if you would even open it, OVER!" Jack Krauser was standing in a room nearby, staring at his mutant arm and wondering if he could be one of the X-men.

"Eh..." Wesker thought for a moment. "Did you shoot my clock?"

"You're supposed to say OVER! OVER!" Jack smirked. He was pretty sure Wesker would never do that.

"Oh come on, I will do no such thing!"

"Then I will do no such thing as telling you what happened to your clock, OVER!"

Wesker grunted. "Damn you, you fool..." He fell silent for a moment, knowing Krauser would never expect him to listen. "Jack, did you break my clock, OVER?" Heh, it felt good to say that. He felt... He felt... Holy heavens, Wesker felt something! An... Emotion! He could not place it though.

"Yeah, I broke it, it was ticking too loud." Jack tilted his head admiring his reflection in the mirror. "OVER!"

"Damnit... You will pay for that." Silence filled the room. "OVER!"

"I'll buy you a new clock soon man..." Jack paused, scared by a thought that popped into his head. "Please do not fire me! Over?"

Wesker smirked again. "I can not, I need you to do something for me, something important. Over."

"What is it?" Krauser asked curious.

"You'll find out when I contact you with this thing again. And aren't you supposed to say 'Over'? OVER!"

"Oh yeah, sorry... Eh. Okay." Jack shrugged. "Over and out!"

"Over and out."

Wesker put the walkie-talkie away and stared at his broken clock. He knew what time it was with or without a clock, he could usually tell by where the sun was hanging out, but during the night it was rather hard. Sure, he could take a look at the moon but that seemed like too much trouble, especially when he was busy doing something important like playing saxophone.

So that night when he was planning on watching a late movie he had no idea what the time was. And since he hated missing the beginning of movies he grabbed the walkie-talkie.

"Jack? Come in Jack!"

Jack Krauser moaned in his sleep and rolled over in bed. He was dreaming about Wesker telling him to 'come in'. Jack smirked in his sleep.

"Jack? Come in Jack! That is an order!"

Jack was still smirking. "Hmmmm, how 'bout you come in... Hnnnn... Ugh." He mumbled to himself, still asleep.

"Jack Krauser, this is the last time, over!"

Jack woke up by the yelling of his boss and sat up. Still sleepy and with his head feeling like there was cotton candy stuffed inside of it he grabbed the walkie-talkie near his bed. "Jack here, over..." He grunted.

"Jack, here's the important thing I need you to do for me..." Wesker's voice sounded from the other side of the 'line'. "I need you to... tell me what time it is. Over..."

Jack was about to get pissed. "Come on man, do you even know what time it is?!"

"No, and you know why. Over!" Wesker sounded as calm as ever.

"Uhw... Haha." Jack chuckled. "Eh, lemme check my watch, aye? It's... Eh." Jack tried to make out the time. Was it around one or around two? "It's either ten to one or ten to two." He paused. "You know how bad I am at this! Oh yeah, over."

"It's ten to one, I just saw it on ceefax. Hehe."

Jack was getting pissed again. "Damn it, you could've done that right away! Over."

"I know, but you could've left my clock alone." Wesker held back a laugh when he heard Jack curse. "And work on your time-telling skills. Over."

"So, we're even? Over."

Wesker raised an eyebrow. "Jack... You're never 'even' with Wesker. Good night."

Wesker put the walkie-talkie away and sat down in front of his gigantic plasma-screen.

**Wesker eh? Wesker has a way with Walkie-Talkies.**

* * *

Thank you for reading, drive home safely. Reviews are appreciated and flamers will be beaten up with a plastic bottle. If you read anything else by me you should have known that by now. Blabla.  
Until next time.

(Yes, suggestions are welcome. Know a word starting with a W and you'd like to see it? Tell me.)


	2. Washing machines

I should update something else, but not in the mood. I took your suggestions into consideration and have decided watermelons will come too someday.  
Not today though. Today I got another one from a review.

Enjoy.

* * *

**Wesker haD a Way with Washing machines.**

There are times in a person´s life where he needs to change his clothes. This can have several reasons, from the clothes being dirty because you wore them for too long, or because you were standing near a monster when it took someone´s head off, and the blood spilled all over you.  
Wesker too needed to change his clothes. He was a very clean man and there was no way in hell people would ever see him walk around in something dirty. Or something that would not fit properly. Or something white. Or green. Or any color for that matter.

Quite a while ago Wesker did still wear different colors. He could be spotted in blue or white, depending on his mood. Like he had any ´moods´ in the first place... But that is besides the point.  
Then one day, when he was wearing blue, he encountered a very annoying and very persistent monster. He killed it just like everyone else would´ve done, but staying clean was very hard this time.  
With an annoyed grunt he put his bloody clothes in the washing machine, along with some other things that needed to be washed. There was blood in his clothes so he decided it would be a good idea to wash them with extra hot water. Nobody ever told Wesker blood comes out easily with cold water, which is a shame, because...

The same night when he took the clothes out of the washing machine he realised that the things that went _in_ white came _out_ lightblue. He didn't quite understand what this was about, so he grabbed walkie-talkie.

"Jack, come in Jack. Over."

"Yes?" Jack Krauser was standing around in a nearby room, reading a comic. Yes, Krauser reads while standing up. It makes it easier for him to concentrate.

"Jack, I put my laundry in the washing machine and everything that was once white is now... lightblue." Wesker frowned. "Over?"

"Did ya put something blue in the laundry too?" Jack snickered, the sight of Garfield upside-down made him happy. "Over."

"Yes... Oh wait, does that mean..."

"The water was too hot..." Jack explained in a simple way. "So the blue colors are like... And then..." Jack snickered again.

"So I'm not supposed to wash white along with any other colors?" Wesker was annoyed by the thought of having to seperate everything.

"Yes."

"Hnnnn, over and out."

"Over and out."

Wesker stared at his washing machine, thinking what to do now. He could do two things, one would be seperating his clothes and two was...

Yes, from now on, he decided, he would only wear black. He thought it would look good with his sunglasses anyway. And the times that people would come up to him asking 'Sir, have you become a goth and joined the dark side?' he'd just took it for granted. He would smirk at those people and chuckle, followed by 'I joined the dark side years ago.'

**Wesker eh? Wesker had a way with washing machines.**

* * *

Short, I know. But they're ficlets. They must be short. Blabla reviews, blabla flamers, blabla assassins. Keep the W's coming!  
Until next time.


	3. Watermelons

I thank thee all for reviewing... And for the words. (Whales? I wonder what to do with that! Let me think about that one for a while.) Wikipedia I like, that will definitely be in someday. Just like 'women'. Of course women will appear too, but I'm saving that one.

Hmmmm... Well, if you people really want this...

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Wesker or Krauser. Capcom does.  
**Inspired by:** Eh, let's not go there?  
**Dedicated to: **All people who eat them?

* * *

**Wesker has a way with watermelons.**  
_(What have I gotten myself into?)_

You never saw the man eat or sleep and you may have thought he wasn't human anymore at all, but Wesker did get hungry every once in a while. He would stomp around looking annoyed (though you wouldn't know because he always looks annoyed) whenever he was searching for something to ease the hunger.

Then one day, when he was stomping around looking annoyed, he found something to eat. He found a whole... Watermelon?  
"That's more water than melon." Wesker frowned. "I need at least six of those to feel satisfied."

It bothered the man that the watermelon was the only thing around that was edible. Sure, in his opinion everything that coud be chewed on was edible, but he didn't feel like eating a chair. It'd just leave splinters in his stoumach anyway.

So he stared at the melon. He stared at the melon and every single second he was staring at it, it seemed to grow. But Wesker knew that was just his mind playing tricks on him. Staring wouldn't help so he had to come up with something else that _would_ make it bigger.  
He knew there were watermelons around that were gigantic, but this one was just... Regular.

Suddenly a lightbulb went on above his head and he had one of the brightest ideas he had ever had in his life. A watermelon comes from a plant, plants are alive until you 'kill' them, so technically, in his opinion, everything that was once alive, could... Mutate! And sometimes mutation could lead to something growing. And since Wesker knew pretty much everything about mutation there was to know, he went to get a virus.

Sure he got one that wouldn't make him mutate after eating it, he wasn't stupid or anything. He just wanted to get a bigger watermelon. So he came back with a syringe and 'infected' the watermelon with a virus that did not have a name yet. Or a letter, Wesker wasn't that creative when it came to naming things. His cat for example was called Mister. T, after the T-virus. And the T-virus was named after Mister T the wrestler.

Anyway, he gave the watermelon a shot and sat down to stare at it. After a few seconds it did start to grow and Wesker was about to get himself a knife and slice it into pieces, when suddenly...

"Eh, that is not supposed to be happening?" Wesker said to the watermelon.

"Bruuhllll." Was the watermelon's intelligent response. And before Wesker could say something the watermelon got up on his newly grown feet and walked out like there was nothing strange about walking watermelons at all.

Wesker shrugged and grunted when his cat got stepped on its tail by the watermelon. As long as that thing didn't kill anyone he didn't see the use in exterminating it. But it did piss him off that his lunch had just made a run for it.

He picked up the syringe and smirked. "I christen thee the... W-virus." He exclaimed. He looked down when he felt Mr. T's head rubbing against his leg. He picked up his cat and took off his sunglasses (Wesker's sunglasses, not the cat's!). "So Mr. T, what do you taste like?"

The next day Wesker appeared in Jack's room with some orders regarding a watermelon. He told Jack to chase it down and deliver it to him alive, so he could do some research on it.

Jack nodded and went up to the door, but before leaving he turned around. "What happened?" He asked, pointing at Wesker's face that had some brilliant scratches embedded in the skin.

"I got into a fight with Mr. T."

Jack Krauser tilted an eyebrow and left for his 'mission'. It was better not to question the Wesker if he wanted to keep his job.

**Wesker eh? Wesker has a way with watermelons.**

* * *

Reviews? Ghehe. Keep the W's coming!


	4. Water

Still working on whales! Or well, thinking about whales. How odd.

Thanks for the reviews, I really appreciate them. I mean that -_- So do not fear to review again muahaha!  
Ugh.

**Disclaimer**: Do I look like I own RE? Wesker? Krauser? Water? Oh wait, I own water.  
**Inspired by:** Nothing. This came out the way it did because of a giant lack of sleep. OH AND MR.T! Wow.  
**Warnings:** Crackfic? Haha. Not completely, but I'm on a sugar-high alright. And caffeine. And nicotine. Tsk, I should be dead by now?

**HAH ENJOY!**

* * *

**Wesker has a way with water... **

Wesker never liked water. He didn't like it because it was considered the key to a healthy life, and to be honest, Wesker wanted to be the key to that himself. He wanted to be the key to everything as a matter of fact. He wanted to be considered important and all of those things. But I bet you know that already, so we're not getting into that subject.

It's a sad thing though, but even Wesker needed water sometimes. Mostly the water that came from mutant watermelons, but every once in a while it would come from a tap aswell, or from his shower.

The thing he hated most about water was the fact that whenever a person would fall into it, they would have to swim to get out. And he didn't quite like swimming, but we will get to that some other time...

So one day, when he was fishing with Krauser and he accidently took a dive into the river, he was rather pissed off. Krauser was about to jump in himself to save his boss from... fish I suppose, but Wesker yelled at him and Krauser stayed put.

When Wesker finally got to Krauser he reached for the younger man and pulled himself back on the shore, nearly ending up in the water again, but this time accompanied by Jack. Quietly Wesker stood up and when he faced Krauser he saw that the man was staring at him.

Wesker frowned. "What?"

Jack just stared at him, a little confused but mostly very surprised. "How come you don't get wet?"

Wesker turned around and pointed at the river he had just climbed out of, or rather was pulled out of. He was pointing at a particular spot in the water, a black spot. A spot that seemed to be getting bigger.

"What's that?" Jack had never seen anything like it. A minute ago the water was still clear, but right now it looked contaminated.

Wesker shrugged. "Come on Jack..." He smirked. "Wesker doesn't get wet... The water gets Wesker."

**Wesker eh? Wesker has a way with water...**

* * *

Lame! But that's what I do. I write lame things to hopefully amuse you a little.

Keep the w's coming. (And not too insane please, I'm dutch, I don't know every single english word.)


	5. Words

I seriously need to update My Life, Strangah. Ugh.

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own Wesker or Krauser.  
**Inspired by:** My friend Brandon who's been bugging me so much I couldn't write anything normal. AND by the words you people keep giving me in reviews. (See, they're coming in handy)

... Thank you for reviewing people! :D

**ENJOY!**

* * *

**Wesker has a Way With Words.**

Wesker was bored that day. He was so extremely bored that he would've gone skiing if there had been snow outside. Heck, he would've gone skiing if there had been snow inside, despite the mess that would give.  
The reason he thought about skiing was because he hated skiing more anything else in the world. Even more than that Redfield-bastard, even more than Krauser's beret, even more than... Watermelon monsters that stepped on his cat's tail.  
But that day he was so very bored he would've gone skiing if he could.

But he couldn't. There was nothing to do that day and he didn't feel like working one bit. Which was a rather new feeling for him because working was pretty much all he ever did in the first place. Working and bothering Krauser that is.

So he went up to Krauser to bother the man. "Jack." Wesker sighed. "I am bored!"

Krauser smirked. "I can tell by the look on your face... Oh wait, does that mean you're always bored?" He scratched the back of his head with his mutant arm.

"Shut up, you fool." Wesker wasn't just bored anymore, he was kind of annoyed now aswell. "Entertain me."

"Hmmmm... How about eh... We have a conversation?" Jack Krauser didn't know how to 'entertain' people. The last time he made an attempt to do that he broke his leg. Tapdancing was, obviously, not one of his many talents.

Wesker frowned. "Conversation? About what?"

"Words?" Jack asked. God, he was Jack Krauser, he killed people for money... Had he wanted to talk for a living he would´ve become a stand-up comedian.

"Words?"

"Eh, yes! You know what? I'm going to ask you all these annoying questions, and you can only answer them with words that start with a w!"

"Eh?" Wesker was about to get confused, which didn't happen that often.

"Yes, like... What's your name?" Jack smirked. He was bored too and seeing his boss say stupid things would definitely be entertaining to him.

"Wesker." Wesker stated. "And if you didn't know that by now you're pretty damn stupid. And probably have a deathwish."

"Oh come on..." Krauser smiled. "Only words starting with a w."

"Fine." Wesker mumbled a bit hesitant. "If it keeps me from doing something lame like skiing..."

Krauser took a moment to think of some lame questions. He wasn't used to Wesker actually considering things he came up with, so it took him by surprise that the man would play such a lame game with him.

"Hey eh..." Wesker interrupted Jack's thoughts. "What if I win?"

"I'll give you a new clock." Jack smirked.

"Oh. Okay, sounds good to me."

Jack started to think again. "Okay, here's the deal... I will ask you ten questions, and you must answer them all with words starting with a w." Jack nodded to himself for no reason at all. "If you do that I will give you a new clock tomorrow."

"Just get it over with." Wesker was about to enter the stage of boredom again, a stage he didn't really like.

"Okay, here's the first... Eh, what are your favorite animals?"

Wesker was about to say something like 'Cat' or 'Panther' or 'Colmillo', but realised none of those started with a W. So he shrugged it off. "Whales."

Jack snickered, much to Wesker's annoyance. "Well done I suppose... Okay, what's your favorite website?"

"Wikipedia." Wesker couldn't stand that website but at least it started with a w. Why he didn't like it so much is a subject we might get into next time.

"Haha... I thought you hated that site..."

Wesker just stared at his employee and remained silent. He wasn't falling for that one.

"Ah, you get the point, that's nice." Krauser was annoyed his boss had not fallen for it. He really didn't feel like going out to buy a new clock. "Eh, third question... What's your favorite fruit?"

"Watermelons." Wesker frowned, he had hoped never to use that word ever again.

"Ugh, I hate those, especially when you make me chase one down." Krauser rolled his eyes when the memory of that entered his brain. After that monster had escaped it had been all over the news. He silently shook his head. "Ahwell... Next. What's the last thing you bought?"

Wesker tilted his head and stared at his gloves. He had bought new gloves after Mr. T had eaten the other ones. But that started with a g, so he had to make something up. "Well, waffles." He finally replied.

"You never gave me one!" There was one thing Jack loved more than his mutant-arm-trick. It was waffles.

"Whatever." Wesker smirked.

"Heh. That didn't count as a question though..." Jack wanted to get this over with because if he had to go to the mall to buy a clock, he could pick up some waffles too. And no, he wasn't going to share them with Wesker. "Question number... Four! Your favorite means of transportation?"

"W..." Wesker had to think really hard about that one. Usually he took his moped or his car, but neither started with a w. "Wagons."

"You mean those with horses? Or... Wagons pulled by what animals?"

"Wookies."

Jack Krauser was starting to crack up a little, he had been expecting something lame like woodchucks or whales again. Wookies went way beyond his imagination.

Wesker was staring at Jack, wondering what was so funny about wookies, he had seen many more interesting things. He shook his head and waited for the next question.  
The only reason he was going to win this 'game' of Krauser was because he was actually able to think before he just randomly blurted something out.

"Ahem... Hahaha wookies..." And there he went again, Krauser couldn't regain his composure. "Wookies, oh my God."

Wesker made some weird noises to help Krauser find his brain back. It didn't work and Krauser took about five minutes before he was finally able to say something logical again.

"Okay... Number... What?" He re-counted the questions in his head. "Number six! Tell me this, what would you really like to destroy right now?"

Wesker didn't need a lot of time to decide on that one... "Washing machines." He stated clearly.

"Fair enough." Jack smirked. "Seven then. Who are your best friends?"

_'Friends?' _Wesker thought to himself. _'I have those?' _He frowned. _'I sure as hell hope not...' _He shrugged and randomly replied with a short "Whores."

Jack was at the loss of words again, feeling rather shocked. Then he realised the older man probably wasn't being very serious, so he came up with the next question.  
"Okay, three to go... What are you feeling right now?" Jack just knew he wouldn't lose this game, because Wesker and feelings didn't go together well. Not at all.

"Wrath."

Jack sighed, he could've known that. Of course that man felt wrath. This meant that, in order to win, he would have to come up with some very hard questions.

"Okay... Number nine. Name one thing you want to do, but you're physically incable of doing it."

Wesker tilted his head. Him being incapable of doing something? That was madness to him. And he didn't want to answer that question because he didn't want Jack to think he couldn't do everything. But since he wanted, no needed, a new clock, he decided to set his pride aside and pretend, yes pretended, he couldn't do everything. So he ended up mumbling something random. "Whistle."

"Heh..." Jack didn't expect that, but he wasn't that surprised. Men whistle, it's what they do, and he had never heard his boss do it, so it made sense to him. The fact that a whistling Wesker made less sense than Krauser wearing a bra didn't cross his mind though. Krauser just wasn't that smart.

"Well okay, one more and you win a clock." Jack snickered, a clock... "What will we be doing on your birthday?"

Birthday? Wesker didn't celebrate getting older, he didn't celebrate anything at all. Most of his birthdays were forgotten because he never spoke about them. But because he needed his clock and because he wanted to annoy Krauser, he answered it with the first thing that came to his mind.  
"Whiffleball."

"...Eh, cool." Jack was surprised Wesker even knew what that was. "Eh... Hehe." Slowly he stood up from his place on the ground and stretched his body. "I'm off to buy you a clock."

"Lovely." Wesker replied. "We're never playing that game again."

Jack smirked. "Nope, next time we do only words starting with a Q."

"Go get my clock." With those words Wesker left Jack behind in the room in order to get some work done. So maybe he could've done something more productive, but at least Jack had helped him to kill some time.

Jack in the meanwhile was getting ready to go to the mall. A bit annoyed but also very amused, still because of the wookies. He liked his boss despite the fact that man was a little too bad-ass for comfort.

"Weirdo..." He mumbled to himself. **"Wesker has a way with words."**

* * *

Okay, we´re playing a game readers... Words starting with a y, and the question is, will you review? xD Heh.  
Hope to see you next time. ':)


	6. Wishing Wells

I am SO hyper. In... 2 hours and 23 minutes I will be buying tickets to a concert. Rammstein!!!!!! :D (Is totally and completely fangirling now)  
So I'll write this. :D To keep me from running around aimlessly.

**Inspired by: **A review! I believe a review by ??? (Nice name, really)  
**Disclaimer:** Don't own, don't sue.

**Enjoy!!!**

**

* * *

**

**Wesker has a Way With Wishing Wells.**

Wesker was on a journey. A long and very boring journey. And the only person he could talk to was HUNK, who for some reason was flying his plane. HUNK didn't say a lot, the most words he had said in one hour were three, and they all included useless information about seatbelts. Three words about seatbelts. What a joy it was to have HUNK around.

So when Wesker left the plane after a rather bumpy landing he was happy he could finally leave HUNK behind. It made the man uncomfortable to be amongst people that weren't interested in having a conversation with him. Wesker was important and in his opinion every single person on this planet should be interested in him. And whenever that wasn't the case Wesker would make an attempt to kill them.

He couldn't kill HUNK though, he still needed his flight home. But he didn't feel like having another six hours with the quiet man either, so when Wesker encountered a wishing well, he went up to it.

He reached into his pocket and was happy to find a coin. A bit annoyed but also secretly very superstitious he threw one into the well while making a wish. Of course he had first glanced around to see if anyone was around to see him do that. But nobody was around, so he did it out loud.

"I wish HUNK will become more interested in me!" He yelled down the well. Then his eyes caught a glimpse of the amount of coins that were already in the well. "Damn people on this planet are pretty damn stupid if they think a giant bucket of water will grant them their wishes."

He turned around and went to do the things he was going to do that day. While in his mind cursing himself for not bringing Jack along he did some work, met with some other soulless creatures and soon enough he was on his way back to the plane.

He saw HUNK standing near the wishing well, staring into the water. When he approached the quiet abuser of TMP's HUNK looked up.

"That's a lot of coins." HUNK stated bored.

Wesker smirked to himself. Five whole words, and none of them was related to seatbelts. "I know, people these days do anything for a little happiness."

"I saw you throw one in yourself."

"Yeah well, that coin, it was annoying me... It kept disappearing into a hole in my pocket." Wesker rolled his eyes, though invisible behind the dark sunglasses. A bit annoyed he saw HUNK walk back up to the plane. For a moment Wesker had thought his wish had been granted, but apparantly HUNK had just wanted to annoy him a little.

He reached into his pockets again but no coins were found. He found a lot of other things though, like gum (that had not been chewed on yet, come on!), spare sunglasses and...

"Ah." Wesker smirked to himself when his hand touched the object. "I may not be able to interest HUNK, but I can have at least one wish granted..."

A freaky smirk played on Wesker's lips when he went up to the wishing well again. He leaned over the edge and saw the coins there, left by the many people who were just as superstitious as he was.

He grabbed the item he had found in his pocket and stood a few feet away from the wishing well. Awfully loud, so loud that even HUNK had heard it, he yelled "I wish to have ALL the coins in that wishing well!"

And he threw the item into the 'giant bucket of water'.

A few seconds later there was a deafening bang and it started to 'rain' coins. It also started to rain pieces of wishing well, but that didn't matter to Wesker. While picking up some coins he glanced to the side and saw HUNK approach him.

"What exactly did you throw into that wishing well?" HUNK asked before picking up some coins himself.

"A hand grenade."

"Huh, how drastic." Some coins disappeared into HUNK's pockets. "I like it."

Wesker smirked to himself. It appeared that both of his wishes had been granted after all.

**Wesker eh? Wesker has a way with wishing wells...**

* * *

2 more hours... I wrote this too fast. Hm. Random.  
You know right? Reviews rule, flamers will be assassinated.

Until next time.


	7. Weirdo's

Something completely different from the previous chapters. Why? Because it's time to update, but I'm not that inspired.  
Just for the record, words coming up: Whales (I promise! It's just hard!), women, wolves (I like that), Wikipedia and the Wii. (I can imagine Wesker playing RE4 :D)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own RE. Well, I own copies of some of the games, but you know what I mean.  
**Inspired by:** Nothing.

**Thanks to michaellover, slouchingtyger and The Famous Fire Lady M for reviewing chapter 6.** It was 6 right? I think so... Hmmm.

**

* * *

**

**Wesker has a way with weirdo's.  
**_(I'm really bored.)_

Wesker, no matter where he went or what he did, liked nothing more than being in charge. Or creating mutant watermelons, but that isn't relevant today. He liked being in charge, so he was obviously the one owning the chatbox where all other 'bosses' and 'mutants' went. And that he liked being charge was proven once again on that one day in that one chatbox during that one chat.

**Sad-dler says:**  
Hell-o there my lil' minions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!omg!

**Albert says:**  
-Frowns-

**Sad-dler says:  
**turn that from upside-down Al!

**Albert says:  
**That's Wesker to you...

**Sad-dler says:  
**you're Wesker? Like THE Wesker?

**Salazar says:  
**there's more than one? O_O

**Nemesis says:  
**I sure as hell hope not... Pft.

**Albert says:  
**Eh?

**Nemesis says:  
**Oh, I mean S.T.A.R.S!! Raaaaah... or something.

**Sad-dler says:  
**wait! Here's the thing aye? I don't get it. Right?

**Salazar says:  
**what is it m'lord?

**Sad-dler says:**  
well. Krauser works for me. And for Wesker. I wonder... Who he likes better?

**Salazar says:**  
I'm sure he likes you better m'lord! You're awesome and don't even need sunglasses.

**Albert says:**  
I am not here to be liked.

**Albert says:**  
Also, I pay Krauser more.

**Sad-dler says:**  
You do? I gave him coupons! And I was gunna give him like... Ya know. A turkey for X-mas!

**Nemesis says:**  
How sad, a turkey.

**Salazar says:  
**Why is that sad?

**Nemesis says:  
**They're like 'gobble gobble' and then during Thanksgiving and X-mas everyone suddenly wants to eat them. That's sad.

**Sad-dler says:  
**Why do you care?

**Nemesis says:**  
I'm a vegetarian.

**Albert says:  
**What?

**Abert says:**  
No wonder Jill took you out. For the love of...

**Nemesis says:  
**-Blushes-

_Merchant has entered the chatroom._

**Merchant says:**  
Ello there, strangahs!

**Albert says:  
**And you are...?

**Sad-dler says:**  
YOU! You gave that damn Kennedy a rocket launcher and he completely screwed up my spider costume! I was gonna wear that with Halloween too!

**Merchant says:  
**What're ya buyin?

**Albert says:**  
Don't make me repeat myself...

**Merchant says:**  
AH! Hello there strangah, I am Merchant Marcus, always here for your amusement!

**Albert says:**  
Is that so?

**Merchant says:**  
No, I just want your money.

**Albert says:**  
Fair enough.

_Albert has banned Merchant from the chatroom._

**Salazar says:  
**Wow... You're like, the big boss eh?

**Albert says:**  
The right to be God... Eh. Yes it'll be mine soon.

**Sad-dler says:**  
Could you give me a job?

**Albert says:**  
You stole Jack from me, so no. You're going down, as are 6 billion others.

**Salazar says:  
**Where are they going then?

**Albert says:  
**Down. I just said so. Pay attention or you will meet the same fate as Merchant.

**Salazar says:**  
oh. K.

**Albert says:**  
I do not like chat-speak, so refrain from using it.

**Salazar says:**  
You're not my mom.

_Albert has banned Salazar from the chatroom._

**Albert says:**  
Good riddance.

**Sad-dler says:**  
So... You own this website?

**Albert says:**  
Indeed.

**Sad-dler says:**  
Anything else you own?

**Albert says**:  
Mutant watermelons, a cat, sunglasses, a wii, a whale and more minions than Leon Kennedy uses bullets on a shooting-range.

**Sad-dler says:**  
O rly?

**Albert says:**  
Please refrain from using chat-speak.

**Sad-dler says:**  
Oh yeah, I forgot. Be right back, my staff needs to use the bathroom...

**Albert says:**  
And then people call me insane... Hmpf.

**Nemesis says:**  
SIR! I'm on a date but she won't let me see her boobs. Orders?

**Albert says:**  
... How the hell are you online?

**Nemesis says:**  
Mobile phone sir. I wonder why she won't let me, I mean, I gave her the t-virus and some herbs. That equals giving chocolate and flowers right?

**Albert says:**  
I suppose. Who are you with?

**Nemesis says:**  
Del Lago

**Albert says:**  
For the love of...

**Nemesis says:**  
Why don't you ever finish that sentence with God?

**Albert says:**  
The right to be God... Do not make me repeat myself.

**Nemesis says:**  
OH I GOTTA GO! Del Lago is making an attempt to eat a waiter. And she told me she was a vegetarian too :S

**Albert says:**  
Bye.

_Nemesis has left the chatroom._

**Albert says:**  
-shrugs- -adjusts sunglasses-

**Sad-dler says:  
**I have returned.

_Chief has entered the chatroom._

_Krauser has entered the chatroom._

**Chief says:**  
HA! I have broken his neck once more!

**Krauser says:**  
Wesker. Can I have a day off tomorrow?

**Chief says:**  
His neck, it is broken!

**Krauser says:**  
Please.

**Albert says:  
**Why.

**Chief says:**  
Because I felt like it!

**Albert says:  
**Not you. Who are you anyway.

**Krauser says:**  
I'm Jack.

**Sad-dler says:**  
My staff, it's drunk. How did that happen?

**Krauser says:**  
Huh?

**Albert says:**  
Not you...

**Krauser says:**  
What? I didn't do anything...

**Sad-dler says:**  
It does not even have a mouth...

**Krauser says:**  
Are you talking about my mutant-arm?

**Chief says:**  
So what if I broke his arm the next time? Maybe that will be more fun.

**Albert says:**  
For the love of...

**Sad-dler says:**  
I was thinking about a new costume since Kennedy destroyed my spider-one. I think I might go as a hippie next Halloween.

**Chief says:**  
You look like one already man.

**Chief says:**  
Remember when you gave Merchant the plaga? You said 'Lemme give you power' and then he said 'Flower power?' and referred to your robe that was too colourful.

**Sad-dler says:**  
Hmpf. I am not a hippie.

**Krauser says:**  
I really need a day off Wesker, I'm tired and nearing a burn-out.

**Chief says:**  
I think you look like a hippie too. A really old one.

**Albert says:**  
Shut-up. Please.

**Krauser says:**  
T____T Don't be mad!

**Chief says:**  
I am so tall, I hit my head the other day while dusting my room.

**Sad-dler says:**  
Were you on high heels again?

**Albert says:**  
Shut... Up!

**Chief says:**  
No, I was walking on heels when I went shopping, and one heel broke off.

**Krauser says:**  
Burn-out. I'm so tired. T____T

**Sad-dler says:**  
Oh yeah, heels break. It's because you're too heavy for ladies-shoes. XD

**Chief says:**  
I'm not the one wearing a dress!

**Albert says:**  
SHUT UP!

**Krauser says:**  
Are you burning out too sir? I'm so sorry for you. I know how you feel. Frustrated and you want to cry. And like... T___T

**Sad-dler says:**  
It's a ROBE! NOT A DRESS!

_Albert has banned Sad-dler from the chatroom_

_Albert has banned Chief from the chatroom._

_Albert has banner Krauser from the chatroom._

**Albert says:**  
Fucking weirdo's... The right to be God... I wish it was mine already -_-'

**Wesker eh? Wesker has a way with weirdo's.**

* * *

I know, this was so random it's not even random anymore. How random was that.  
I need to update Midnight Burning Blue and Wrestlemen Evil, so you'll have to wait for 8 for a while. I hope you liked it. If you did, please drop me a review.

Until next time.  
TTT


	8. Women

Thanks for the reviews, I appreciate them big time, as always. Yep, very pleased indeed.  
Oh wait, I was doing this ´thanks to´ thing now, neh? (Damnit, that neh is contagious!)

**Thanks to...** slouchingtyger, ~Lady, Zombiegirl2007, DoYouLikeWallfles309, Hina-86, Arbiterai Knight, Sorryl (neh?) and Tyrant Wolf for reviewing 7 and sending me them words. (That chatroom was way too popular, I need to do it again sometime.)  
**Disclaimer:** No owny, okidoki? So sue me mary.  
**Inspired by:** Nothing-at-all. I need a nap. And food. Teehee.  
**Warnings: **Tiny amount of slash. Just a little. LITTLE! And yeah, IT'S LONG!

_As requested more than once; Women.  
__ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

**

* * *

**

**Wesker has a way with women.**

_"Albert! What did I tell you about sitting around, doing nothing at all? Boy, you've become more and more lazy, and you're not getting any younger either! Just because you look like someone in their thirties doesn't mean you actually are! I'm past sixty already but I do more than you do! Thinking about taking over the planet will not get you anywhere young man! It is a stupid idea and lord, I wish you'd become a doctor or a teacher!"_

The first woman to ever enter Wesker's life had been his mother. Or technically he had entered her life, through the most obvious way we can think of. Yes, she stole him.  
He had liked his mom most of the time, especially when she was at work, and he had known how to play her like no other.

_"Albert!" Her voice carried through the hallway and Wesker's neckhairs suddenly stood up straight. "What did you do in the kitchen?!"_

_Wesker scratched his neck and adjusted his sunglasses. Giant sunglasses, straight from the seventies. Probably because it was during the seventies, but who knows, it's Wesker, we could be wrong._

"Albert! Answer me! The kitchen looks... Like something exloded!"

Wesker smirked. Something had exploded indeed. At the age of thirteen he had been extremely fascinated by anything that ran on electricity. He liked to play around with them, especially with the mixer. He had mixed pretty much everything he could find, only to see what would happen. That one day during the seventies something had gone awfully wrong and it had ended in a mess beyond anyone's imagination.

_"ALBERT WESKER!" The door had slammed open and revealed a woman with a furious look on her face. "Please do explain yourself"_

_Wesker, at the age of thirteen already a manipulative bastard, had pouted. "Mom, I wanted to bake a cake." He sighed and gave his mom a nervous -fake- smirk. "But the mixer... I didn't get it. Something must've been wrong with it."_

_"Why on EARTH would you want to bake a cake?" Wesker's mom wasn't that surprised by the fact that her kitchen was a mess, but a baking Wesker didn't make a lot of sense. _

_"I wanted to bake one for you mommy..." Wesker rubbed his eyes behind the never-absent sunglasses. "Because your birthday is next week."_

_Wesker's mom had tilted her head and thought for a moment. "It is?" She asked confused. "Time passes by so quickly."_

_"Yeah... I know right. But I failed. I'm so sorry mommy, I'll never do it again, I swear!"_

_Wesker's mom walked up to her son and patted him on the head. "Never mind love, just... ask for help next time." She had smiled and hugged the evil teenager. "You know mommy loves you, right?"_

It was a sad thing those arguments didn't work anymore, so whenever his mom would call now, yelling at him for being stupid, he'd just ignore it. He was Wesker, he didn't need his mom anymore. And way back when, when he still did, he had known how to play her very well.

_"OH-MY-GOD!"_

Then there were the women in his life that were pure evil. More evil than Wesker was himself. More evil than standing behind a tall dude at a concert. More evil than Satan. They were the... Fangirls.

_"Oh ma God, it's you! You're you like... Oh wow! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"_

_Wesker couldn't stand that sound. The Squee-ing noises made his ears ring. Neither could he stand the 'Oh-my-God's' anymore. In the beginning it had amused him since the right to be God would be his soon anyway, but these days he just found it plainly annoying._

_Some fangirls were pure evil, pure Satan-spawn that would almost frighten him, but some were more sneaky. They would wait for the right opportunity to catch him, and then they would... Tackle-hug him._

_First he thought he had found a solution to repelling them. His solution was to bring Krauser along. But for some reason that never helped. The fangirl would just attack Krauser, who apparantly had his own share of fans too. So he had to come up with something more usefull. Something to make sure they would stay the hell away from him, preferably forever._

_Since Wesker had an insane amount of fangirls it would be really hard to kill them all. Especially on their Wesker-picnics, where they would all sit down in front of his office, staring through the window, eating strawberries and watermelons._

_So he couldn't kill them. A bodyguard didn't work, killing wouldn't work and he knew for a fact that hosing them down wouldn't work either since they appeared immune to water._

_Then one day he came up with the solution. These were fangirls, they all wanted to marry him. They thought he was straight, and they were damn straight about that, but desperate times call for desperate measures._

_So on that day, while staring out of the window, watching the fangirls eat, he summoned Krauser. Krauser, more loyal than any random dog, appeared right away, obviously walking around in his mutant-armblade-form._

_"C'mere, Jack." Wesker stated seriously. "We need to get rid of -them-."_

_Krauser walked up to the window and saw the gigantic amount of girls sitting on the grass. They were all staring at him and it made him very uncomfortable. "I agree boss, they're... Frightening."_

_"They want to marry us." Wesker frowned. "I can imagine that, but it seems ridiculous to actually hope that will ever happen."_

_"I got a girl already man." Krauser stated annoyed. "And she keeps telling me that if I don't stop hanging with fangirls, she'll leave me." Krauser sighed. "It's annoying as hell."_

Wesker nodded. "I know, that's why I have to do this..."

_With the speed of lightning Wesker appeared very close to Krauser and glanced outside to see if those evil fangirls were still watching. When he noticed they were he roughly grabbed Jack's arm and turned him around. Slightly repulsed but already amused by the confusion this would cause he leaned in on Krauser and pressed his lips on his bodyguard's. _

_Krauser, startled, tried to step back, but couldn't. Wesker's grip on him was too tight, and despite the fact Krauser was bigger, he wasn't actually stronger._

_"Shhhh Jack, this will gross them out and they will leave!" Wesker mumbled, his lips brushing against Krauser's cheek._

_"Ya think so boss?" Krauser smirked. "Well, if that's the case." He turned his head back to Wesker and waited for another kiss. Deep inside Krauser didn't mind at all, but he couldn't just let Wesker know... That would cost him his job._

_The fangirls outside had been staring at the kissing men, mouths wide-open and eyes big as satellite dishes. Wesker was pleased to see this kind of reaction and was about to celebrate the joys of being free from fangirls, when suddenly..._

_"Oh-My-GOD!" A cheer came from outside. "YAOI!"_

Even that had not worked... So Wesker just had to live with the fangirl-picnics outside on the grass until the day came that he would claim the right to be God. On that day... They were going down!

_"Love is for the weak of heart."_

His mother he could live with. His fangirls he could live with. His ex-girlfriend drove him up the wall.

_"What do you mean, for the weak of of heart?!" She had yelled at him, thrown a hairbrush at him and she had almost cried. _

_"Love is what stands between me and world domination." Wesker had stated with a cold and biting tone. "I do not love you."_

_"Then what is this thing we have?" By then half of her make-up had already been throw at his face. "Lust? Passion? Fun-time?"_

_"Perhaps lust. Perhaps passion. But not love. And it wasn't always that fun either." Wesker had frowned and wondered what had gotten into that woman. "Could we just let it rest?"_

_"Hmpf, I knew I shouldn't have invested in you." She had slowly shaken her head and shrugged. "Well, for lust I only need one thing and one thing alone. My best friend of them all; Tarzan." She had laughed. "He's better anyway, and he doesn't even need sunglasses!"_

Ada had left Wesker for a vibrator and Wesker had... Well taken matters into his own hands. It had been a sad thing, but it didn't really hurt him. It only hurt his right hand.

So, what have we learnt today?

**Wesker has a way with women.**

**Sort of.**

* * *

Heehee, sorry. I had to put a kiss in... Between dudes. I´m so sorry if that bothered you!!!!!!!!! (I like it myself, a LOT)  
Anyway, you know... Reviews are lovely, flamers will be assassinated with plastic bottle.

Until next time I hope!


	9. Waldo?

I am... Shocked at how many people like Wesker kissing Krauser... Not even one flame (yet). AWESOME! You people rule aye? Aye...

**Thanks to...;** Sorryll, michaellover, slouchingtyger, Zombiegirl2007, aquacrow, Hina-86, Ultimolu, Shadowlexis (I want ice cream! XD), wolfgirl16, ??? (thanks for the cookie) and Ten ways to spoil dinner for reviewing! :D I appreciate it big time! (Did I miss anyone? Holy hell that's a lotta people...)

**Inspired by:** Ten ways to spoil dinner gave me the coolest word ever XD Hahahahaaaa. I love it.  
**Warnings: **CRACKFIC.

**

* * *

**

**Wesker has a way with... Waldo? **

Wesker was at a carnival, accompanied by his most loyal men Krauser and HUNK. They were looking for lame dude that went by the name 'Waldo', but so far they weren't very lucky.

"I want ice cream too." HUNK stated, pointing at Jack's hand. "Please."

"You will have to take off that damn mask first." Jack said frowning. "Otherwise you'll spill it on your mask and you'll end up attracting bees and stuff."

"I can't, I must remain unknown. People can't see me for they would know who I am."

"That was one awfully crooked sentence..." Wesker butted in. "And for the love of God, FOCUS!"

Jack and HUNK, liking their jobs and therefore wanting to keep them, went back to looking for Waldo. Rumor had it that Waldo had never been found yet, so Jack Krauser thought they wouldn't be able to track him down either. Simply because this Waldo had been missing for years already, and was, so Jack thought, probably dead already.

HUNK on the other hand was very positive they would find Waldo today. HUNK was a great... something and always completed every single mission with success. Sure he always lost his team and usually returned from his missions all alone, but that had never bothered him. Wesker wanted Waldo, and HUNK would deliver Waldo to him alive, no questions asked.

While roaming the carnival, looking for a lame red and white beanie, Jack was fascinated by the gigantic amount of foodstands. And Jack was hungry. And Jack had ADD. And Jack... Forgot about Wesker and started to eat cotton candy, pancakes, more ice cream and some waffles. Jack likes waffles, remember?

So when Jack encountered a lame dude with a beanie and glasses, he wasn't paying a lot of attention. He had to focus on stuffing his face with pancakes, otherwise he would end up white from spilling sugar everywhere.

"I am lost." The beanie stared at Jack's gigantic mouth in awe. "I have to find... My way back."

"Harumpf." Krauser groaned while chewing on a whole pancake. "G sk the ppl t annnce."

"Excuse me?"

Jack swallowed and frowned. "Go bother someone else, kid." And he turned back to his now almost unlimited supply of food.

Beanie, also known as Waldo, left Jack and his mouth for whatever they were and decided to go ask someone else. He was lost, as always, and needed to find his way back to... wherever he was going. He had been lost for years, he didn't even know where he was supposed to go anymore.  
Waldo also thought it was rather odd whenever he appeared on a wanted-poster. They always said 'where is Waldo?' but they never showed a picture of him. Waldo wondered why that was, he was on wanted-posters but nobody could ever find him on them. To Waldo that did not make a lot of sense, but he was sure there was good reason for it. His parents probably forgot what he looked like or something.

Jack, still eating, nearly choked when he realised he had found Waldo. With the speed of light the part-mutant turned around again, only to be faced with nobody. "Huh..." Jack mumbled to himself, "Where's Waldo?"

In the meanwhile HUNK was still looking for Waldo, but to no avail. So he returned to Wesker empty-handed and decided to ask his boss what he wanted from Waldo anyway.

"That is information is classified." Wesker said with a serious expression. "Please do not question my motives."

HUNK nodded and shrugged. He knew Wesker was up to no good, but he didn't care. Wesker paid him very well and HUNK would do anything for money. He needed money all the time to buy new gasmasks. Those things were damn expensive.

After quite a while Wesker finally found Waldo himself. He walked up to the kid and scratched his throat. "Waldo?"

Waldo turned around. "YOU FOUND ME!" He yelled happily."Are you my dad?"

Wesker stepped back and grabbed a hold of his handgun. -Good thing it has a silencer...- he thought to himself. "No, I am not... I just wanted to ask you a very important question."

Waldo pouted but quickly regained his composure. "Okay, what is it?"

Wesker sighed and glanced around, seeing if nobody he knew was close enough to hear him. "I wanted to ask you... where did you get that beanie?"

While Waldo was telling Wesker about his beanie HUNK was starting to look for Jack. He was afraid Jack had died, because all of HUNK's teammates always died, and he felt sad. He liked Jack, despite his big mouth, scary mutant-arm and giant muscles.

HUNK searched for hour after hour after hour, but couldn't find Jack. Jack seemed to have vanished and after three days they gave up searching. They had to, there were other things that needed to be taken care of first.

Jack Krauser, lost and all alone, only accompanied by a whole lot of food, was wandering around the carnival-ground, looking for HUNK and Wesker. When he couldn't find them he decided to find a phonebooth and give them a call.

Inside the phonebooth he started to look for coins and was just about to put one into the sloth when suddenly his eyes caught a glimpse of a poster. He left the phonebooth again and walked up to the poster. It was a poster of a whole lot of people and the text in the corner read 'Where's Jack?'

**So maybe Wesker doesn't have a way with Waldo... But Waldo sure got them into trouble!**

* * *

Soooo... I'm sorry, that was too random. But I hope you liked it! :D Honestly ^^ I love Krauser, don't you? ^^ :D Eh, yeah. Please review and eh... Come back anytime.  
T


	10. Watermelons part 2

Oh my. I want to write something serious so badly, but it's so damn hard. Especially now I'm inspired for this... Ahem.

**Disclaimer:** NO! I'm SICK of writing these.  
**Thanks to**: michaellover, Zombiegirl2007, Sorryll, wolfgirl16, slouchingtyger, ???, Ultimolu, Ten ways to spoil dinner and The Famous Fire Lady M for reviewing. Thanks so much strangahs!  
**Inspired by**: Sorryll and my friend the shampoo.  
**Warnings:** The Return of the Watermelon of Doom!

**

* * *

**

**Wesker has a way with watermelons 2.**

Jack Krauser, sexy beast and mutant extraordinaire, was standing in front of a giant metal cage, watching the creature inside of it walk around aimlessly. Jack was wondering what to do. The creature had gone mental a few days ago and it had eaten several employees, but Wesker wouldn't allow anyone to kill it. Why he didn't know. Jack knew that this thing, the most hated thing in the building, was becoming a bigger threat every day, and soon it would break through the steel bars and probably eat some more employees. Or worse, eat all of the waffles.

Jack's thoughts were interrupted when Wesker entered. He turned to his boss and pointed at the raging creature inside of the cage. "Sir, please, why can't I kill it?"

Wesker shrugged. "It's intelligent. Perhaps more intelligent than you are..." He glanced at the creature that was drooling and jumping into the steel bars. "It's strong too."

"Intelligent?" Jack snorted. "It just eats, sleeps and... drools. It's gross."

Wesker completely ignored Krauser and walked up to the cage, standing still right in front of it. The monster we all know as the 'Watermelon Monster' growled at the man and made another - futile - attempt to escape. Wesker smirked and took off his sunglasses. A bit bored by the creature's behaviour he decided to ignore it and pretended to focus his interest on Jack. "So tell me, how long exactly were you lost on the carnival-ground?"

The Watermelon monster, from now on referred to as WM, was very upset to see Wesker not being interested in him, so he demanded more attention by acting a little more calm. "Hrrrrr." It... purred? "I hungry now."

Jack's annoyed frown turned into a surprised expression when the WM spoke up. "Holy hell, it spoke!"

"Indeed." Wesker nodded. "It has great potential."

"I be hungry... Hungryyyyyyyy..." The WM was staring at Jack, still drooling. "Eat... Uhhhh..."

"You were fed hours ago, why are you so intent on eating human flesh?" Wesker asked the creature. "If you eat any more of my employees you will be killed, you do realise that right?"

"Baha..." The WM laughed, "People, they be gooder." And it nodded. "Fruit be badder, I no be cannibal, yes?"

Wesker frowned when he heard Jack snicker and turned around, "Would you like to be his next meal?"

"Hehe... They be gooder, no be cannibal, yes?" Jack stated. "I be no good meal, yes? I be bad for weight."

"Krauser..." Wesker slowly muttered.

Jack sighed. "Fine, fine, I be on my way now, yes. You be call Jack when needed, yes? I be around reading, yes?" And he stalked off, ignoring Wesker's razorsharp glares.

While Wesker was glaring daggers and watching Jack leave, the MW had found his way into Wesker's pockets (no, not literally...). Quiet and quickly it grabbed the keys and unlocked its own cagedoor. "I be eatin' sunglasses, yes?" It muttered before jumping Wesker.

"For the love of..." Wesker yelled when he felt something on his back. "How'd you do that?" For some reason the first thing Wesker thought about were his sunglasses. They were on a ground now, knocked off by the impact. Then he realised he was considered someone's dinner and threw the thing off, quickly regaining his composure.

The MW and Wesker got into a fight. Not a very serious fight, but Wesker decided to hold back and see what this creature was capable of. About five minutes after the thing had broken free there was a loud 'pop' and the watermelon exploded into a million pieces, covering Wesker in watermelon juice and tiny pieces of fruit.

Wesker, wiping the fruit off his face, stared at a second-story window. "Jack, I told you not to kill it!"

Krauser shrugged. "I thought you were in trouble."

"I am Wesker, nothing can destroy me!" He wiped off some of the stuff near his mouth. "Hehe... Tasty." He looked up again to see Krauser still hanging from the window with a rifle in his hands. "Come down, you should taste this!"

So Wesker got to eat a giant watermelon after all, and I'm pretty sure we can now, without a doubt, say;

**Wesker really has a way with watermelons.**

* * *

Thanks to Sorryll for inspiring me. A talking watermelon, I'd never thought about that.

You know the drill... Please do review, unless you feel like flaming. In that case, get the hell away from here.

Until next time.


	11. Weed!

_Ugh, such a pain, I wanted to update sooner, but got addicted to some new stuff. Like RE0, Junjou Romantica and WWE again. _

**Thanks to...** Wolfgirl16, slouchingtyger, Zombiegirl2007, michaellover, The Famous Fire Lady M, resident evi fangirl, residentwesker, Arbiterai Knight, Tyrant Wolf and Sorryll for reviewing... (That´s quite a lot of people, I'm very pleased strangahs! VERY pleased! Keep it up lmbo!)

**Inspired by:** Some people said windmills, whores and weed! I live in the country of windmills, whores and weed. It was bound to happen sometime... So inspired by the good people, the dutch. =) =) =) I promise I won't use the language lol.

**Warnings:** Crackfic? Not really, but I do need to say this'll be random. Prejudices! (But I can, cause it's my country! Let this be a lesson!!!!!!)

**Ready? ENJOY!**

**

* * *

**

**Wesker has a way with Weed!  
**_Or, perhaps... Weed has a way with Wesker._

Wesker travelled a lot. Not just to random cities, but sometimes even to the most random of countries. Usually he would travel because of his work, but this time that wasn't the case. This time he just needed a break. And what better place to go than to the Netherlands?  
Well, you could probably think of a lot of better places, but for now you'll just have to live with the fact that Wesker went to Europe's country of Weed, Whores and Windmills.

He didn't go alone though! With him were HUNK and Krauser. HUNK because he was flying the plane again and Krauser because... Well, he accidently took a nap in the cargo-room and ended up in Europe completely against his will.

The first thing they did when they reached the tiny country was look around to see if anyone had followed them, but all they saw were a bunch of random people on clogs. Krauser liked this and decided to integrate right away by buying a pair himself. They were orange, which is awful, but Krauser pulled it off nicely.  
HUNK just cocked an eyebrow at the clogs and Wesker... Well, he didn't see the clogs, he only saw the word 'Coffeeshop'. He liked coffee, no, he needed some of the good stuff, so he went in.

Upon entering Wesker realised something was wrong. Very wrong. Very, very wrong. First of all the music. There was a popsong playing in the background, and it was awful. But for some reason nobody seemed annoyed by it.  
Second of all, there was a strange smell inside of the coffeeshop. One Wesker knew, but couldn't place.  
And third, the people looked... Dead.

"Hey, did this place... Like... Was it infected with the T-virus?" HUNK asked with a quiet voice. Just in case you want to know, and I know you do, HUNK was wearing real clothes. No mask, no tactical gear, just clothes.

Wesker shook his head. "I don't think so... If so, I would've known about it, that's for sure."

"But they look so dead..." HUNK pointed out the obvious. He was very uncomfortable at that moment. The smell was odd and the music was awful, and then these people... They weren't normal.

Krauser in the meanwhile walked up the counter, hoping to get his mates some coffee. "Hey!" He boomed.

The girl behind the counter looked up confused. "Ja?"

"Listen, we want coffee! Three please!" Krauser looked intimidating, but the girl didn't seem to care very much.

"Oh... Oh God, here we go again." The girl sighed. "This is not just a coffeeshop sir, this is where people buy **weed**."

Krauser stepped back and glanced around. He frowned, it did make a lot of sense to him now. But he thought dopeheads were always giggling, and this place was pretty quiet... "OH!" He smiled at the girl. "Just a minute please!"  
He went back up to HUNK and Wesker and explained them why the people were so scary and why it smelled so strange. HUNK just cocked his other eyebrow and Wesker... Became curious.

"So..." Wesker smirked. "How about we... Act like the locals?"

"I already bought clogs," Krauser stated annoyed, "what more can I do, become a farmer?"

HUNK sighed. "I don't think that's what he means..." He glanced at Wesker, wondering if his boss was serious. "I think he means we should act like the locals in this coffeeshop."

"Dead?" Krauser asked.

"Let's just get joints, for the love of God." Wesker shook his head and went up to the counter to buy some of the green goodness. He got the ready-made joints because he was pretty sure he would suck at rolling one himself.

After a minute he returned to his friends and they went outside. They thought it would be better to smoke weed away from the people, just in case... They were weed-virgins, except for HUNK who had done at all, and they had no idea of what the stuff would do to them.

They sat down on a patch of grass outside of the city and 'sparked their shit'.

HUNK sucked on his joint and inhaled quietly. He knew what it was like to smoke it, so he didn't cough.

Krauser did cough. He nearly died coughing, or so he said later on, and had red eyes before the weed even started to work.

Wesker... Well, everyone knows he has red eyes. He says it's because of some virus, but since he didn't cough or anything, HUNK started to wonder if his boss was actually high all the time.

"Hey... I don't... Feel anything." Krauser stated after five minutes. He smirked and wondered if he was stronger than the weed.

"Stand up." HUNK said shortly.

Krauser shrugged and stood up. It took him a whole minute, and when he was finally standing up, he wondered when he became so tall and heavy. "Dudes, I'm so... Heavy." He smirked again. "Hea-vy man." He nodded at a bird. "Are you heavy too?"

Wesker scratched the back of his head and lit the joint again. Joints tend to go out a lot, and it annoyed Wesker. He waved the lighter at Krauser. "Don't call me dude, dude."

"Sorry man, it's because... Saying Wesker seems so heavy, ya know?" Krauser stumbled backwards and landed on his ass. "Dudes, listen up, gravity is increasing."

HUNK just shook his head and inhaled again. He knew first times were insane, and he just ignored Krauser. He hoped Jack wouldn't get sick though, that'd be very annoying.

"I'm heavy too." Wesker stated very slowly. "I'm like heavier than you." He raised his hand and stared at it. "When did that happen? My hand looks the same."

"Dude, I know right..." Krauser was on his back, staring at the sky. "So... Wait. If we become heavier, will the sky become heavier too?"

HUNK frowned. "Oh God..."

"Jack, the sky, perhaps... My **hand** is so **handy**!" Wesker suddenly exclaimed. "How come I never noticed that?!"

"The herbs from the Netherlands, they put everything in a new perspective!" Krauser boomed, feeling intelligent. "And now... You will have an epiphany!"

There was silence for a few minutes. Apart from a giggling Krauser there wasn't a sound to be heard. Even the birds had left because Wesker kept waving his lighter around for no particular reason.

HUNK enjoyed the silence. It reminded him of that one time he got caught by the enemy and they locked him away in a small cell with padded walls. HUNK still didn't know who the enemy was, but the fact that they had been wearing white coats seemed very suspicious to him.

Krauser rolled on his stoumach and sniffed the grass. The real grass. "The grass is always greener... Eh?"

"I know." Wesker was still waving his lighter around, feeling more comfortable than he had ever felt before. "Then again, blue grass would frighten me." He frowned. "I saw blue grass once... It cured poison."

"They were blue herbs, boss. They're normal." HUNK pointed out.

"I know." Waving Wesker whispered.

Krauser, sick of sniffing the grass, made an attempt to stand up again. He was still very heavy and wondered if the others would notice the dramatic increase of gravity.

Slowly but surely he made his way across the grass towards Wesker, who looked just the same as always, just lazier. Jack sat down next to his boss and raised his hand in a dangerous way.

Wesker, thinking Krauser was waving at him, waved back, once again with the lighter. But he never got to enjoy the sight of a waving Krauser because before he knew it the scarred man slapped him in the face. "Oh man, what was that for?" Wesker grunted. "You could've my broken my pretty jawline with that giant hand."

"So you notice the increase too, boss?" Krauser whispered in Wesker's ear. "It's grafitying."

Wesker giggled because Krauser's lips tickled his ear. "Is that even a word?"

"I'm pretty sure 'boss' is a word indeed, sir." Krauser whispered.

"Hahahaha..." Wesker laughed out loud.

HUNK was surprised at the sound. A laughing Wesker was about as rare as a laughing turtle. Not that HUNK thought Wesker was a turtle, but it would explain a lot... "Turtles." He smiled. "Tur-tles..." HUNK liked the sound of that. "Teen-age-mu-tant-nin-ja-tur-tles." HUNK stood up with the speed of light and ran towards his boss. "You're a turtle!" He yelled. "I knew it!"

"I know." Wesker just said before accidently slapping himself in the face. "Damn that handy hand, it's so heavy."

"Turtle AlberT. MuTanT." HUNK nodded to himself. "It all makes sense." He shook his head in disbelief. "I just had an epiphany."

"We should concentrate on a more inportant problem." Turtle Albert stated, frantically waving his lighter and nearly setting HUNK on fire. "How to kill Chris Redfield?"

"We ask the teenage mutant ninja turtles, they will come to your aid, right?" HUNK pointed at the sky. "Did you see that?"

"The sky is falling down, isn't it?" Krauser stared up and hoped it wouldn't happen. "If the sky falls down we'll all have blue hats. I don't look good in blue!"

"I agree." Wesker smirked, he had already forgotten about Redfield again.

"Turtle." HUNK beamed.

"I just had an idea." Krauser sat down next to HUNK and hugged the the quiet TMP-abuser. "We go out and find... A windmill!" Krauser's eyes grew large as he had another idea. "Then you will tie me to it, so I go up, and I can prevent the sky from falling down!"

"Damn." Wesker slapped himself again, now cursing his heavy handy hand. "I agree."

"Dude, the sky, it will not fall down!" HUNK was getting irritated. "Let's stay here and wait until the weed stops working."

Wesker stood up and needed a second to balance himself. "I say we go with Krauser." He said coolly. "That's an order, special agent HUNK!"

And so there they went, in search of a windmill, slowly making their way across the grass, hoping the sky wouldn't fall down anytime soon.

Will the sky fall down? Will Krauser 'go up'? Will HUNK bring them to their senses? Is Wesker really a turtle? What about the clogs?  
Find out next time!

For now we'll just say this...  
**It appears weed has a way with Wesker and his weirdos.**

* * *

**I swear to Wesker I'm not high!!!** I don't smoke that shit.

Haha. Eh, we don't all wear clogs, I'm not a farmer, don't live in a windmill and I don't smoke weed, so don't think this is typical dutch! Just thought you should know.

Up next? Wesker has a way with windmills, duh.** I loved writing this so much, and I hope you enjoyed reading it. If you did, please drop me a review =)**


	12. Windmills

**Fast update, neh? I had an epic, hilarious day yesterday, so I was inspired xD **

**Disclaimer: **No owny RE. No owny song 'Windmill'. Helloween does!

**Inspired by:**I was singing... Or more, playing singstar with my friend. It was sheer brilliance.

**A/N:** Okay, first weed, now windmills, and next time whores and wardrobe in one chapter.

**Warnings: **Crackfic. (Though I swear to Wesker, it's a sugarhigh.)

**Thanks to**: Ultimolu, michaellover, Spark Of Insanity, slouchingtyger, Zombiegirl2007, The Famous Fire Lady M, RedHell, CarrieChaos and resident evil fangirl for reviewing... Thanks strangahs, _I appreciate it big time_. ^^

**Ready for some more? In that case; Please, enjoy.**

* * *

**Wesker has a way with windmills?**

_Or perhaps he doesn't..._

The grass appeared to go on forever. It felt like they had been walking for hours now, and still there weren't any signs of any windmills nearby. While cursing himself for coming up with the lamest idea ever, Krauser just kept on walking. He had to keep walking, or else the sky would fall down.

HUNK was cursing Krauser too, because now they had to walk. And they weren't walking very fast, which he blamed Wesker for. HUNK should've known better than to go out for a walk with a turtle. Turtles were slow, and HUNK wondered why he never noticed that before. Of course Wesker didn't do any hard work himself, he would never get it done in time. That's why he had HUNK and Krauser, because they weren't turtles, they were actually human.

Wesker didn't see HUNK glaring daggers at him. Wesker didn't see a pissy Krauser. Wesker didn't see the grass that went on forever. Wesker had become completely obsessed with his handy hands. Despite the fact they were very heavy, he was very pleased to have them. Every once in a while he would light his joint again, only to admire his handy hand using the lighter.  
Then he would wonder about Chris Redfield, only to have his thoughts replaced by thoughts about windmills, and especially about tieing Krauser to one. Yeah, Wesker was lost in his thoughts.

"Ahem..." HUNK groaned. "How about you speed up a little?" He started walking behind his boss, trying to push him a little.

Wesker turned around with the speed of a... turtle, and frowned. "Don't interrupt my thoughts, I am about to have an epiphany." He stated slowly. Very slowly.

"Then have one soon, before I start carrying you!" The special agent replied, while cursing the weed, Krauser, Wesker and the sky, which wasn't going to fall down.

"That's an excellent idea!" Wesker exclaimed, waving his lighter in front of HUNK's face. "How about piggyback."

HUNK slowly shook his head and took his boss on his back. The fact that Wesker was actually taller than HUNK made it look rather ridiculous, but for some reason none of them gave a damn about how they looked at that point. Perhaps it was the weed, perhaps it was the country, or perhaps they were just losing it.

"According to my map there should be a windmill there!" Krauser butted in on the slow conversation. "But I don't see it!"

"Jack..." HUNK sighed. "That's not a map, that's a postcard."

"Isn't that the same thing?" Jack asked confused. "I mean, this is a picture of a windmill standing near the grass. We are on the grass, therefore there should be a windmill." Jack nodded to add some strength to his logical words.

HUNK cocked an eyebrow. "There's grass everywhere, remember?"

Wesker, suddenly remembering his experiences with grass, nodded. "I saw blue grass once, it cured poison..." He whispered in HUNK's ear.

"You already told us sir, they're blue herbs and they are normal." HUNK scratched his ear. "And don't whisper in my ear, man... It itches."

"But they're not allowed to hear us..." Wesker whispered back.

"Who?"

"The smurfs..."

"Hey, it's a mill! Or at least I think it is." HUNK suddenly changed the subject, afraid of what else Wesker would end up saying. "Jack, I'm telling you, the sky won't fall down."

Krauser quietly walked up to the mill and hummed a little tune that popped into his head. Happily he gave himself a big hug and sang the windmill a song it would appreciate for sure.

_"Windmill, windmill, keep on turning;  
show me the way, take me today  
Windmill, windmill, hearts are yearning,  
longing for love and a chance to be free"_

"Did Jack just... sing?" Wesker whispered in HUNK's ear.

HUNK shrugged wildly in order get Wesker's face away from his own. "Yes, he did."

"Why?" Weary Wesker whispered.

"Cause he's stupid, as are you, sir."

Wesker just chuckled and raised his hand in order to study it again. His handy hand was now Wesker's most beloved possession, even more than his sunglasses.

"It's time." Krauser stated seriously. "I must go up and prevent the sky from falling down." He saluted his comrades and went up the ladder that led him to one of the sails. "Please come up and tie me to this thing."

"I'm not climbing up, man... I might injure my handy hand." Wesker's eyes grew large behind his sunglasses. "And if I hurt my handy hand, all hope will be lost."

HUNK was about to lose his patience and dropped Wesker on the grass, not caring about the poor man's behind. "Sir, I think all hope is lost already!"

Very annoyed the quiet TMP-abuser climbed up aswell and grabbed the rope Krauser handed him. He decided not to ask where the rope came from, and started to tie Jack to the sail. Quietly HUNK thanked the weather-gods for not making it a windy day, so the mill obviously wouldn't turn.

After tieing Krauser to the windmill HUNK jumped down and sat down next to his boss, who was trying to have a conversation with a white kitten that had somehow shown up.

"Kitteh kitteh in the grass, I'm high." Wesker petted the cat. "I'm high, and soon Krauser will be even higher!"

"Meow." HUNK mumbled under his breath.

"I know, kitteh." Wesker thought the kitten was talking back. "Have you heard about the blue grass yet?"

"Argh!"

In the meanwhile Jack was thinking very hard, because something didn't make a lot of sense to him... "So if I go up while standing like this, I will end up upside-down, right?" He mused, scratching the back of his head. "And if I'm upside down, my hands will not reach the sky, therefore... Therefore it will still fall down." He gasped. "And then, rather than having a blue hat, I will have blue shoes!"

Back in the grass Wesker was starting to feel a little sick. Suddenly a bit scared he reached for HUNK's hand and grabbed a hold of it. "HUNK man, I feel... bad."

"That's nice, sir." HUNK said absent-mindedly, caressing Wesker's hand with his thumb. He was staring at Jack, who appeared to be talking to himself. A bit worried HUNK questioned his comrade's safety and sanity.

"I'm feeling sick and tired." Wesker sighed annoyed. "A minute ago I was perfectly fine." He reached for his sunglasses and took them off, revealing a pair of freaky-looking eyes. "Maybe it's because it's always so dark in my life."

HUNK turned his attention back to his boss and cocked an eyebrow again. HUNK's doing a lot of cocking, isn't he? "Dude.. Put those back on before the smurfs see your eyes!" He said, mocking the man.

Wesker shrugged. "Whatever." He rolled over on his stomach and rested his head on his arms.

HUNK knew what this meant. This meant the weed would lose its effect soon, and Wesker would finally return to normal. HUNK himself wasn't affected by it anymore already, his body was getting used to it, so he needed more to stay high for longer periods of time.  
A bit amused he wondered how Krauser was doing, and hoped it would stay windstill until Krauser would be sober again aswell.

"Windmill, windmill, keep on turning." Krauser stated annoyed. "I should be tied to here upside-down, but then, if you don't turn, all blood usually going to my ding-dong will go to my head." Jack frowned. "That's a lot of blood, lemme tell ya that." He sighed, suddenly his plan didn't seem that good anymore.

Wesker in the meanwhile had started snoring like a truck, chasing away every living creature around him except for HUNK. Even the white kitten, which was deaf, had fled in fear, startled by the sudden movements in the air the snoring created.

"Hey HUNK! Help me down pronto!" Krauser's voice echoed over the grass. "I think we won't be turning today!"

HUNK smirked and got up on his feet, happy Krauser had found his brain back. Or at least what was left of his brain after the events of Resident Evil 4. But before he could start untieing his comrade, Krauser had another epiphany and suddenly spoke up.

"Listen." The scarred man shook his head when HUNK touched the rope. "Maybe if you blow real hard, it **will** start turning."

"I'm not going to 'blow', Jack." HUNK said with a dry tone in his voice. "You might blow tonight though, if you keep annoying me like that."

"Please HUNK, please."

HUNK shook his head.

"Please, pretty please... I'll give you a new gasmask!"

"Oh dear Lord..." HUNK jumped down from the mill again and started to walk away from his boss and comrade. "I'll be back tonight, when the two of you are sane again." He suddenly realised that would never happen and rephrased that. "I mean, when you're as sane as you'll ever be again, or something."

"Wait, the sky will fall down!" Krauser cried out. "Help me keep it up!" He tried to wave his arms but couldn't, he was still tied to the sail of the windmill. "Come baaaaaaaaack!"

"SHUT UP!" Wesker suddenly roared, annoyed by the fact that Krauser was disturbing his naptime.

Pouting, Jack shut his piehole and decided to wait until someone would take him down from there. Little did he know it would take a while...

Later that night HUNK returned, worried about his comrades' safety and sanity. The first thing he saw when he arrived at the scene was Wesker, who was pointing at Jack.

"Why is Jack tied to a windmill?" Wesker asked with a frown.

"He wanted to, sir." HUNK shrugged. "He made me do it."

"Do you realise how dangerous that is?"

HUNK nodded. "I do sir, but you're the one that agreed with his plan..." He ran a hand through his short, brown hair. "I can tell it's gotten windy..."

Jack Krauser was finally turning. He was turning, and now capable of keeping the sky from falling down. But he didn't want to anymore. He just wanted to get down. What a sad thing it was they had gone to the Netherlands, because whenever the weather would turn bad, it would stay bad for a quite a while.

So after Jack was finally able to get down from all the turning, he was sick. He was tired. He was sober. And most of all, he was wondering... "Why, the fuck, did you tie me to a fucking windmill..." Without hesitation he punched HUNK square in the face, not giving a damn about what Wesker would do.

"Jack, it appears you made him..." Wesker put his sunglasses back on his face and smirked. "I don't even want to know what I told you..."

"Let's just say the grass is always blue in times of need, your handy hands are heavy and it appears the smurfs are coming for us..." HUNK sighed, rubbing his nose after it collided with Krauser's fist. "Let's go to the hotel, okay?"

"Handy hands?" Krauser muttered. "Handy hands... Well, hands are handy, indeed..." Jack was still feeling a little sick, and it took him a while until he was fully balanced again, but in the end they went to the hotel, and they arrived there in one piece. Or perhaps three pieces, it's not like they fused together or anything.

"So... We did have fun eh?" Krauser said before walking into his hotelroom.

Wesker shrugged. "I don't know, but when I woke up I wasn't wearing my sunglasses, so it must've been very... Interesting."

HUNK snickered. "I was actually worried about you two, damnit... But you were hilarious." He cocked his eyebrows, HUNK likes cocking a lot. "Let's do it again tomorrow!"

Krauser and Wesker both nodded and then they all went to bed to get some rest. They needed it, because the next day they were going to get high again.

_What will happen? Will Wesker discover his Handy Hand again? Will Jack ever act sane? Will HUNK make sure they don't get into trouble? And what about that kitten? Find out next time!_

For now we'll just say...  
**Well, Wesker doesn't really have a way with windmills. Krauser, however, defintely does.**

* * *

I keep envsioning Krauser, tied to a windmill, turning, and turning, and turning... -___-' Which is annoying because for some insane reason, I've always been terrified of mills.

**Next:** Whores and Wardrobe (In one chapter, yes). After that we'll go back to the 'normal' chapters. (Unless you don't want me to, if you like them better high, I'll keep them high for a little while longer... Just tell me.)

**Please review :)**


	13. Whores and his wardrobe

That´s just dandy, half of you want Wesker and his comrades high, half of you thinks twice is enough. Now where does that leave me?  
Well, here obviously, but you know what I mean. -Deep sigh á la TTT- My shift button is broken too. Life's so hard these days T__T Lol.

**Inspired by**: Wesker's pants in RE5. I did not play the game, but I did watch the cutscenes. -Fangirls-

_Thanks to... Oh lord;_ Ultimolu, wolfgirl16, CarrieChaos, michaellover, Zombiegirl2007, Black the Ripper, resident evil fangirl and Electric Eclectic (Hello! Long time no see :O)

**Warnings:** Slash? No! No slash! But it implies slash in a certain way. I mean, you'll know. Don't worry, no HUNKxWesker or JackxWesker (Though I like the thought....) I should write that someday!!!!! :D

**So, for the last time, they're high. Then we're moving on to the chapters that are harder to write, but at least sane(r). **

* * *

**Wesker has a way with whores and with his wardrobe!  
**_Enjoy._

They had bought more weed and they were getting high again. HUNK was once again the only one that was able to maintain some of his sanity and Krauser felt like saving the planet again. As for Wesker...

"My hand is so handy!" Wesker exclaimed with a smirk. "How come I never noticed that?"

"Déja-vu here..." HUNK mumbled under his breath. Yes, HUNK is wearing normal clothes again! That's because smoking is pretty hard when you're wearing a gasmask.

"I think I just saw a naked lady behind a window..." Krauser turned around and walked back the way he came from. "Indeed, a naked lady."

His comrades decided to follow him back to see what the scarred man was talking about. He was obviously talking about a naked lady, and that's exactly what they found. A naked lady in a window.

Wesker frowned. "Why?" He randomly asked. "Why is she in the window, when she could be with me?"

HUNK stared at his boss and blinked. Wesker blinked back, though invisible behind his seventies-heartshaped-sunglasses. HUNK blinked again and then turned his gaze away from Wesker in order to look at the naked lady again.

"Naked lady in the wall, I wanna do you." Krauser smiled like a maniac and waved at her. "Come out."

The naked lady, obviously a prostitute, waved back. She saw money in their presence, and hoped they would come in. But that they didn't, at least not yet. First they had to get something to drink, something warm, because it was rather chilly outside.  
While smoking their dope and giggling because they found even more naked ladies, they made their way to a nearby pub. They were almost there when Wesker suddenly felt the urge to sit down, and sat down on the street.

"Why?" HUNK walked up to Wesker and felt his boss' forehead. "Are you okay?"

Wesker nodded. "I just feel tired." He sighed. "The street's moving too."

"No it's not," Krauser butted in, "**you're **moving." He frowned at Wesker, who was pretty much dancing, while sitting down on the street. Kind of like doing a wave, I suppose.

"I..." Wesker pouted and took off his new sunglasses. "I want to... Pffffff..."

"Bad trip?" HUNK grabbed his boss' hand and dragged him away to a safer place before the man would get hit by a car. A bit worried he sat down next to Wesker and put an arm around him.

Just that moment a girl walked by and stopped in her tracks. Krauser looked at her and saw tiny stars sparkle in her blue eyes, or perhaps it was just his imagination. "What?" He grunted. "Never seen gays before?"

The girl blinked in surprise. "This is the Netherlands, it'd be odd if there weren't gay people around..." She snickered. "They just look so... Kawaii!" And with that said she left.

"What's a kahwaai?" Krauser cocked an eyebrow. "Hey, hello, are we going to the pub or what?"

"Once I stop moving." Wesker stated while nearly punching HUNK with a new wave.

HUNK dodged the punch and frowned, this was new to him. He grabbed Wesker's joint and put it away somewhere safe, which would be his own mouth.

"Ya know, that's like an indirect kiss." Krauser pointed out.

"How 'bout I give you some indirect beating?"

Krauser shrugged and walked up to the pub by himself. He needed coffee, and it appeared the others did too, so he went to get some. When he returned sometime later, with coffee in paper cups, he saw HUNK and Wesker sitting the exact same way as when he left. Frowning a little, Jack walked up to them and gave them coffee. "So boss, is the street still moving?"

Wesker shook his head and took the coffee from his eh... minion I suppose. "Well no, Jack, but my handy hands are shaking so bad, they remind me of your hands."

HUNK chuckled lightly. "Jack and shaking hands? Let's not go there?"

Wesker suddenly realised how wrong that sounded and started to giggle like a little girl, spilling coffee everywhere. "Well damn..." He exclaimed, "that's hot." He frowned with a disapproving expression. "God, now my pants will shrink!"

The moment Wesker started to worry about his pants a woman walked up to the three. She was dressed in a short skirt, a shirt that revealed more than it hid and high go-go-boots. She smiled at them and teasingly showed her tongue, which revealed a tiny silver ball. "Hallo..." She winked at Krauser, whose mouth was wide-open. "Kan ik jullie ergens mee van dienst zijn?"

Krauser started flailing his arms in hopes of them accidently touching her boobs. "I do not understand your heathen language, but please pleasure me!"

"Aha, an American? How very, very sexy..." Her accent was thick, but they were able to understand her. "It'll cost you though..." It only took her a few seconds to realise they were pretty high.

"NO!" Wesker interrupted the madness. "I need bigger pants, these are shrinking!" He stared at his half-emtpy coffeecup and then at his pants. "I need better pants!" He stared at the woman, completely unaffected by her ballistics. "Woman! Please show me a store where I can buy clothes!"

The woman rolled her eyes and sighed, it appeared she wasn't going to shag them for money. "It'll cost you, dear," She said with a dry tone, "and don't call me woman, it is degrading."

"Hahaha... Is that even a word?" Wesker smirked.

Krauser was still staring at boobie-land, but paying attention nevertheless. "I'm pretty sure 'woman' is a word indeed sir..."

Wesker grabbed his crotch like a rapper on the loose and shrugged. "I'm rich, so fine."

So there they went... Wesker, Krauser, HUNK and the prostitute on a quest for new pants. HUNK wasn't saying much because he wasn't used to women. He only gave a damn about his work, and even now, while being high, it was pretty much all he could think of. That is until...

"Do you have a name, woman?" Wesker demanded rather than asked, nearly tripping over a random hobo. "Damn hobo's, get a life." He said with a biting tone.

"Matilda." She stated shortly, very annoyed by the fact that she had to help three insane tourists do some shopping. "How 'bout this?" They stood still in front of a store-window.

Wesker nodded. "Whatever."

HUNK in the meanwhile was cuddling Krauser, making the 'squee-ing' noises that usually came from fangirls. "Squeeeee Jack, I **love** Matilda's!" FanHUNK told his comrade. "_Squeeeeeeeeeeheeheeeee."_

Jack just frowned and punched his friend before entering the shop aswell.

Leather. There was leather everywhere. Belts, coats, pants, shirts, skirts, whips, cuffs and even the employee were all made of leather. Well, the employee not literally, but since leather is made from skin it wouldn't be completely impossible, right?

"Well handsome, I take it you like black..." Matilda stated with a bored expression. "How about you try on some leather..."

Wesker was staring at a leather coat and pictured himself in it. He would look bad-ass, that was for sure. He would look even sexier, that was a fact. And it would be so damn handy, because if he spilled coffee on it, he could just wipe it off.  
Slightly amused he started searching the shop for something that would fit his taste.

HUNK in the meanwhile was staring at Matilda, wondering if he should talk to her. He didn't have a lot of social skills, so he had no idea of what to say. All he could think about was her name, she carried the same name as his beloved weapon. "Mmmmatilda..." HUNK's thoughts however were interrupted when Krauser emerged from a clothing-cabin, wearing only a short leather skirt.

"Dude..." Krauser stated smirking. "This makes my ding-dong feel very cold."

"I can tell..." HUNK said with a dry tone in his voice.

"Teehee." Krauser just giggled, not understand the meaning of HUNK's remark. Happily he skipped away in search of Wesker, wanting to show his boss the pretty skirt.

He found Wesker at the other side of the store, the man had just changed into some leather goodness and was admiring his reflection in the mirror.

"Mirror mirror in the store, where's that damn whore?" He turned around when he heard someone walk up to him. "Ah Jack, don't we look good today?" He grabbed Jack and pulled his comrade in the front of the mirror aswell. "Had you been a woman and I'm a normal man, we would've been a couple for sure."

Jack nodded. "I know, right..." He sighed. "But you're not a normal man anymore, so that won't ever happen."

Both sighed in unison and Wesker grabbed his phone. He took a picture of Krauser and himself to memorise this moment forever, and decided to buy the leather goodness. He looked so good, he almost made himself drool. And Krauser, for that matter. And probably HUNK too, had he not been standing around somewhere else, spelling Matilda three times in a row.

The day after the three woke up in one hotelroom, which would be HUNK's. A bit groggily Wesker sat up and sighed, he was sweating like a pig. When he walked up to the mirror to get his hair the way he always has it, he saw himself in full glory. "Jesus, what happened yesterday?" He frowned. "How come I never thought of leather before? That weed's good for us, we get epiphanies and I end up looking even better." He smiled and ran a hand through his blond hair, purposely ignoring the seventies-sunglasses that were on the dresser and turned around to come face to face with...

"ARGH!" Wesker yelled and stumbled backwards, tripping over HUNK who was asleep on the floor, and landed on his ass. "No, no, no!" The sight of Krauser's spred legs in a leather skirt was too much for him to bear. It was worse than getting killed by a random tyrant.

Next to HUNK's head was Wesker's phone and Wesker grabbed it, quickly flipping it open to see if he had any unread messages, only to be able to turn his gaze away from Krauser's man-parts. On his phone was obviously the picture of doom, and Wesker looked away quickly again. "God no, this can't be happening." He moaned.

"Hey, get your big-ass boots away from me." HUNK mumbled under his breath, Wesker's foot only an inch away from his eyes. "Before I eat them."

"HUNK! What happened yesterday?" Wesker was frantically trying to remember the day before. "Why is Jack wearing a skirt?"

HUNK sat up aswell. "Is he really?" He smirked, but that smirk was soon to be replaced with a repulsed look on his face. "Oh my Lord!"

"This picture, what does it mean?" Wesker shoved his phone up HUNK's face and pointed at the picture. "It's no good, no good at all!" It appeared Wesker had lost his calm.

"Oh my!" HUNK yelled out loud, waking up the man in the skirt. "Oh wait, I remember..." He snickered. "You were having some of a bad trip and Krauser went to get coffee... Then you spilled it on your suit, and made this hooker named Matilda find you store to get new clothes... For some reason you took a picture of you and Jack while wearing leather." HUNK nodded. "And then you got the clothes, we came here and Jack fell asleep right away... I slept with Matilda, for free if I might add, and you played chess with yourself, constantly losing." HUNK paused to see Jack's reaction to the madness, which was very pleasing. After Jack was done screaming and put on underwear he continued. "And then we fell asleep too, in our clothes... Nothing happened, the only one to get laid was me." The last few words almost sounded proud. "For free!"

Wesker swallowed audibly and sighed, relieved that he never did anything gross with his comrades. "For the love of..." He slowly shook his head. "We have to go home this instant, and we are never getting high again!"

"Agreed." HUNK said while starting to pack his belongings and putting his gasmask on. "I think this has gone on long enough..."

Jack, now cool, calm and collected again, nodded. "Yeah, we should get home..." He frowned. He lowered his voice so nobody would hear the second part of his sentece. "I'm taking this skirt with me though."

So there you have it, the reason Wesker now wears leather! What have we learned?

**Wesker has a way with weed, whores and his wardrobe, Krauser has a way with windmills and HUNK... owns normal clothes!**

* * *

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzz... :D I'm so high on nothing right now, it makes no sense 't all! So yes, that was all the high madness you will get. Please send me more W-words, preferably normal ones, and we'll get back to some more saner stuff. Don't expect me to update again this soon though!

**I do still hope you liked it, and please do review dear people ^^**

TTT


	14. Weddings part 1

**Part one of two. 1/2**

**100 reviews???? That has never happened before, except for the on the WWE-ficlets, and that one has 101 chapters, so... Thanks so much strangahs!!!!!!!!  
**I should be updating something else, but this is the only thing I'm inspired for these days. ARGH!

**Warnings**: LONG author's note. Slash in a very **odd** way. **Crackfic extraordinaire.** Lots of special guests. _Sexual references_???? OH LORD. Don't say I didn't warn you!!!!!

**Thanks to... **michaellover, CarrieChaos, Ultimolu, Zombiegirl2007, Ezmy, ??? (Where have you been, oh great, grand, mystery?), resident evil fangirl, wolfgirl16 (Time for you to update soon too, aye? ;) ), The Famous Fire Lady M (What's the M stand for anyway?), Electric Eclectic (# 100 xD), slouchingtyger (Ohai, strangah!), Ten ways to spoil dinner and Black the Ripper **for reviewing! (Wow...)**

**Inspired by 3 things;  
**1. Someone, I think more than one someone actually, suggested weddings. I thought 'why not'?  
2. Arbiterai Knight has this fic with a wedding, and it's very... Dear Lord, I don't even have a word for it!  
3. Someone mentioned dr. Salvador out of the blue. Oh no wait, I killed him yesterday. I think. He left me a ruby. (Nice, neh?)

**Guest starring:**  
Part of the RE4 cast, like Luis, Saddler, Mendez, Leon, Ashley and eh, the** Salvadors**.

_Please loves, __**enjoy**__!!!!  
_

**

* * *

****Wesker has a way with Weddings...**

"I do not wish to go to a... wedding." Wesker sighed and stared at the invitation, a mispleased look washing over his face. It appeared two people were getting married, and they wanted him, Wesker out of all people, to attend the party aswell. "I dislike weddings, they suggest that love actually exists."

HUNK rolled his eyes in annoyance, though invisible because of his fashionable gasmask, goggles and helmet. "Sir, showing up might be good for your reputation."

"Reputation? And I care about my reputation since...?" Wesker raised his eyebrows. "I didn't even know I had one in the first place."

"Your rep as a bad-ass, dude." Krauser joined the conversation. "Go do something stupid and swoosh, they hate you even more."

Wesker glanced at Krauser before taking a look at the invitation again. It was off-white and had bloodstains on it. On the bottom there was a picture of two chainsaws, one big one and one smaller one, both 'wearing' bows. The text read 'Come before we saw your heads off on our honeymoon'.

Wesker sighed again. "Perhaps we should go, it's not like we have a lot to do right now anyway."

So there they went, in Krauser's gigantic TVR Tuscan, off to the wedding between two of the most hated people in the universe, Dr. Salvador and Super Salvador.

Armed with a handgun, shotgun, magnum, Chicago Typewriter, knife, TMP and baseballbat, and HUNK obviously with Matilda, they entered the hall where the party was going on. Drawing a lot of attention because of their appearances, they decided to hide in a corner until the people around started to focus on eachother again.

"That's a lot of people." HUNK pointed out the obvious. "I think I might not have enough ammo if there's need for it."

Wesker shrugged. "That's okay, I can jump really high."

"How's that going to help **me**?"

HUNK's question was left unanswered as someone approached them. Someone very familiar. Someone that made Krauser grab his TMP, just in case...

"Well hi! It's been a while!" Osmund Saddler joined the jolly little bastards and made an attempt to hug Krauser. "How have you been?"

"Killing here, smoking weed there, trying to forget about everything that happened back in Spain, which wasn't really Spain, but since they spoke Spanish I will still call it Spain."

"A-ha-ha-ha-ha." Osmund laughed. "These are your buddies?" He glanced at Wesker. "Nice shades."

Wesker just grunted, annoyed by the large hippie and his sarcastic voice. A bit bored he stalked off in order to find some better company. He started to walk around and found out this odd couple had invited even stranger guests. Luis Sera for example, who was supposed to be dead already. And Salazar, who was very easy to miss if you didn't look at the ground every now and then. And then there was this dude with a bandana, who he had never seen before. Oh, and Nemesis...

Wesker stopped in his tracks when he caught a glimpse of the tyrant. "Well I'll be damned..." He walked up to the coolest tyrant in the universe to engage in some conversation.

"S.T.A.R.S." The tyrant pointed his rocket launcher at Wesker since Wesker too had been a member of the deranged special forces.

"No, not anymore..." Wesker shook his head in annoyance. "What brings you here?"

"CAKE." Nemesis replied with his awesome voice of doom.

"Yeah, me too..." Seeing this wasn't going anywhere, Wesker stalked off once again, in hopes of finding someone or something to exterminate. Soon enough he stumbled upon, or rather tripped over, Ashley and Leon.

"Kennedy..." Wesker slowly muttered. "It's time."

Leon Sleepsalot Kennedy was on the ground, groping his wife Ashley in a way that should never be made public, no matter what happens. With his hand still creeping up Ashley's skirt - you read it right, skirt, not shirt - Leon looked around to see Wesker standing there. "Huh, you're Wesker, right? Thanks for not killing Claire that one day..."

Ashley slapped Leon across the face. "Do not mention any other ladies when your hand is touching my lady-parts!"

"Oh, sorry hon..." Leon turned his attention back to his wife and did some more inexcusable things, making Ashley moan like a regenerator on a rampage. But before Leon could finish his eh... handy work, I suppose, Wesker kicked him so hard, Leon flew several yards before landing on the ground with a loud thud.  
Yes, indeed, he did go through a wall.

"Damn you, mr. Shades..." Ashley looked angry now. "I wasn't done yet!"

Wesker took a step back when Ashley's own hand disappeared into her skirt, wanting to finish whatever Leon had started, and he was just in time to see everyone else sit down on the chairs. It appeared the ceremony was about to get started.

Wesker too sat down, next to that man with the bandana, and watched awestruck as Dr. Salvador appeared in a long, red dress, apparantly stolen from Ms. Ada Wong. Dancing to the beat of Iron Maiden's 'Fear of the Dark' - played by a bunch of Iron Maidens if I might add - Dr. Salvador went up to the altar, where his lover, Super Salvador, was already waiting.

"We are here..." The ceremony was led by Mr. Mendez, by the way, "to do this thing..." Mendez scratched the back of his head. "Where these dudes wear rings."

Super Salvador revved up his double-bladed chainsaw, which made Wesker grab his magnum in fear.

"Rings mean... That they aren't... Square-shaped, I suppose." Mendez frowned. "Which is good, 'cause their fingers aren't square either."

There were a few giggles here and there, mainly coming from Luis and Salazar who were playing checkers on a chessboard.

"The point is, they want to be... bonded." Mendez started searching his insane amount of pockets to find the piece of paper he wrote his speech on. "Oh look, here it is..." He scratched his throat and started to say things he thought were appropriate.

Wesker looked to his side when HUNK sat down next to him, still in his ever-so-sexy HUNKish outfit, meaning you couldn't even see his hands. Wesker smirked and was happy he wasn't alone anymore. That dude in the purple bandana had not said anything yet, and Wesker figured he wasn't going to either.

"We are gathered here, in this big hall, to celebrate the holy onion of..."

Laughs here and there, this time coming from everyone.

Mendez frowned violently and realised his spelling-error. "I meant to say UNION, for the love of..."

"Wesker!" Wesker suddenly exclaimed.

"Wait, what?" Mendez was now staring at the cute blond next to, you guessed it, Mr. Merchant.

"_For the love of Wesker_, I say you get used to it right now, because soon the right to be God will be mine..." Wesker explained himself loud and clear.

"Okay, I will." Mendez grunted. "For the love of G...Wesker, I lost it again!" He sighed deeply. "We will start over."

The Salvadors were getting impatient, and Dr. Salvador started to rev his chainsaw aswell. So Mendez did what was healthy, he continued with the speed of light.

"We are here to celebrate the holy union of two Salvador's who found eachother on a party at Salazar's Castle. They love eachother so much, they want to wear rings to show everyone they belong to one and other... And then they want to go to America to take over the planet."

Super Salvador started to yell at Mendez.

"Oh!" Mendez sighed. "I was not allowed to say that." He rolled his eye - Leon used the other one to open a door, remember? - "Listen, they want to get married, hence the dress, people and rings. So let's do this the simple way, shall we?" With that he meant the Los Ganados way, by the way.

Mendez placed his one hand on Doctor's head, and the other on Super's head. He yelled something inexplainable in a non-existing language and suddenly the two Salvador's started to hover above the ground.

Krauser by that time had started firing his TMP but stopped when he was out of ammo, nobody had gotten hurt hurt in the process.

The hall was suddenly filled with a brilliant glow, mostly because a garrador was playing with the lighting, and then all went dark. The only thing one could still see were Wesker's eyes, which were glowing eerily in the pitchdark space. He had taken off his sunglasses to clean them a little.

Then the lights went back on and everyone was visible again, even Leon who had decided to come back.

"Sooooo, what just happened?" Wesker asked with a frown.

"Got no idea, strangah, but that sure was stupid." Came the voice from Mr. Merchant next to Wesker. "I know one thing, if ya wanna marry a gun, ya don't have to go through all this stuff."

"Who would marry a gun?" Wesker tilted his head for no reason at all, probably to seem intelligent.

"That strangah with the mask, who else?"

Wesker turned to stare at HUNK, who was looking cool, calm and collected. "Seriously sir, why do you think she's named Matilda in the first place?"

Wesker just mumbled something and suddenly felt the urge to walk away. This reminded him too much of being high, an experience he wanted to forget about ever since he saw Jack in a leather skirt.

But not all hope was lost, since the ceremony was about to come to an end...

"So now for the official shit... Doctor Salvador, do you take Super Salvador to be your awfully wedded Salvador, in sickness and in health, for better and for worse, until death, once again, do you part?" Mendez asked.

"I do." Came a raspy voice from underneath the bag.

Mendez nodded. "And Super Salvador, do you take Doctor Salvador to be your awfully wedded Salvador, even when he's sick, poor, annoying and sleeping with the Bella Sisters?"

"YES PLEASE!" Super Salvador exclaimed loudly.

"Then I now pronounce you Mr. and Mr. Salvador, like you always were in the first place..." Mendez sighed with relief, knowing the ceremony was almost over. "You may kiss the Salvador."

Two burlap bags were removed from two chainsaw-wielding maniacs as they intended to kiss eachother. Ashley, half expecting to see something horrific, was pleasantly surprised to see Super Salvador looked like Johnny Depp on steroids and Doctor Salvador looked like Dr. George Clooney. Immedietly she summoned Leon for more handy work.

The Salvadors kissed and after El Gigante brought them the rings, they decided it was time to party. But not before sawing Salazar's head off to celebrate their holy bonding.

"May God approve of your holy bonding, and may you see many happy things in life, and may you raise some strong, demented children..." Were Mendez's last words.

Wesker, seeing this as his cue, stood up. "Wesker approves indeed!"

Then everyone got up from their seats and started to party like there was no tomorrow. But perhaps it would be better to get into that next time, as my time is limited and I have several things to take care of right now.

**So let's just say, for once...  
****To Be Continued!**

* * *

_I think this story needs a total of 20 chapters. That´ll give me time to do part 2 of the wedding, a second ´Wesker owns a chatbox filled with WEIRDOS´ and perhaps 2 or 3 more random words, one being __**Whiskey**__ indeed! Message me if you want anything special. You know, special appearances and so on..._

**Reviews are still, after all these chapters full of crack, greatly appreciated indeed!  
**(Because once you start hating this fic I might as well stop writing it -_-')


	15. Weddings part 2 and Whiskey

**I do sincerely apologise for the crack-factor in the previous chapter. I've started eating apples to reduce the chance of getting a sugar-high again and making it even worse.**

SO! I don't own RE, nor do I own the characters. All belong to Capcom.

**Thanks for reviewing to...** Zombiegirl2007, slouchingtyger, michaellover, Black the Ripper, CarrieChaos, Ultimolu, Wolfgirl16, barkingspider, M364M4Ncro and Electric Eclectic!  
Thanks very much indeed! I'd reply to all reviews, but you'd end up crazy since I talk way too much.

**Inspired by:** This one new year´s eve where I got drunk and did something insanely stupid. (Indeed, I never touched alcohol again, let that be a LESSON!)

**ENJOY!**

* * *

**Wesker has a way with weddings... **Or at weddings... I don't know.  
_And you know what, let's throw the whiskey in too, shall we? Yes, we shall._

Partying has never been, is not and will never be Wesker's favorite pastime. He preferred sitting in a leather chair, giving people cryptic missions and petting his cat Mr. T which by the way is still alive.  
But on a wedding there were no leather chairs, there weren't missions to send people on and there were no cats either. At least not in the big hall. So Wesker did what normal people do on parties, stand around and mope.

"Moping will ruin your face, mate." Mendez stood next to Wesker, waving around a glass filled with beer. "And that would be such a waste of utter... face."

Wesker raised an eyebrow and shrugged slightly. "I'm sure you're speaking from experience."

"Haha! I really am!" Slightly drunk, Mendez decided to find a more suitable person to talk to. One that wouldn't insult him, preferably.

Krauser, seeing his boss stand around alone, decided now was the time. "Listen sir, Leon is here."

Wesker nodded. "I noticed."

"Can I kill him?"

Wesker shook his head. "No, I don't think that's a good idea. At least not now." Wesker had gotten slightly scared after he saw Leon dance like a robot. There was no way in hell Krauser could beat a robot, no matter how big his mutant-arm was.

"But sir..." Krauser glared at Leon, who had started waving at everyone. "Sir, now's the chance!"

"As I said Jack, do not kill Leon." With those words Wesker stalked off. He had an idea that was so epic, he just had to execute it.

Completely insuspicious he made his way to the bar and asked for a glass of whiskey. After tasting the just little of the liquid goodness he concluded it was pure. There was no water added, so the amount of alcohol had not been reduced at all.  
Don't get me wrong here, Wesker does not intend on getting drunk. You saw him high, now would you really like to see him drunk too? Of course not... No, he had bigger plans for the alcohol. But it wasn't the right time yet.  
After pouring most of the whiskey behind a plant, Wesker preferred wine, he made his way to the bar again.

"You're fast... Didn't burn your throat?" The bartender asked.

Wesker frowned. "Apparantly not..." He shook his head and wondered where he had seen the bartender before. A man with lipstick and eyeshadow... A man with a rifle... Blond. "Hey, aren't you Billy Coen?"

"By God, no!" Alfred Ashford exclaimed. "But he is cute, isn't he?" He winked.

Wesker stepped back and pointed at the whiskey. "I want a whole bottle."

Alfred just sighed and handed Wesker the bottle. "Careful with that..."

Wesker just shrugged and snatched the bottle away from Alfred before disappearing into the crowd again. It annoyed him that nobody had attacked him yet, he wasn´t quite used to that. And to Wesker a party wouldn´t be complete without a fight, so he would initiate one himself. In his own, epic way of course. But first he needed HUNK.

HUNK was hard to find in the crowd because the had taken his gasmask off and was now dancing the night away with a pretty lady on high heels. While every once in a while busting a few moves, making ladies' jaws drop around the hall, he tried to get rid of the pretty lady. See, her name wasn't Matilda, so she wasn't that interesting anymore in the first place.

So when Wesker approached the quiet TMP-abuser HUNK was rather happy to be able to walk away from the madness. Sure he liked to dance, but he would rather have danced with Krauser, since the mutant-armed man didn't try to kiss him all the time.

"Somethin' wrong, sir?" HUNK asked, ready for any kind of mission.

Wesker shook his head. "No, but where's my damn lighter?"

HUNK searched his pockets, which was rather odd because why would he have the lighter, and shrugged. "I dunno, ask Jack."

"I have no idea about where on earth Jack is right now." Wesker re-adjusted his sunglasses. "I bet he's trying to kill Kennedy."

"On a wedding?"

A sudden event caused the earth to rumble and Leon S. Kennedy flew over their heads. Wesker nodded. "On a wedding indeed." He sighed. "I told him not to kill Kennedy yet."

HUNK was about to make a comment when someone started to yell. Rather than minding their own business, everyone that was once dancing now wanted to see the source of the yelling. It was a female yell, so they were expecting to see something bad and painful, but it wasn't quite what they expected...

"First you kidnap me, then you turn into a monster and now you want to kill my husband?!" Ashley was very angry. "That is not going to happen Krauser, because I have a gun!" Ashley flashed Jack a magnum revolver she had been given on her own wedding. "And hell hath no fury over a woman scorned!"

Jack stepped back, a little uncomfortable by her sudden outburst, and tried to reason with the woman. "Listen, it's between me and Leon, please stay out of it."

Ashley pointed her weapon at Jack. "Say you're sorry!"

Jack raised his hands, trying to look defensive. "As I said, it's not your business."

"Say you are sorry!!"

Krauser slowly shook his head and turned to Leon, who had joined them again. A bit hesitant but foremost afraid of the blond girl, he apologised.

"Eh..." Leon shrugged. "I wasn't expecting you to be nice anyway." He glanced at his wife. "She's been acting odd lately..."

Krauser stared at Ashley and nodded. "I can tell."

"I wonder what is going on with her?" Leon scratched the back of his head, looking a little stupid. "I don't think it's PMS."

"Maybe she's pregnant." With those words Krauser stalked off because Wesker appeared to be needing him.

Jack joined his comrades and waited for orders. Wesker looked as if he was up to something, so Jack was ready to fire or cause any kind of damage at any given time. So he was obviously slightly surprised when Wesker only wanted his lighter.

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Sir, don't you want us to do something... eh... destructive?"

Wesker shook his head. "I just need a lighter." He flashed the bottle of whiskey and smirked. "I can do the damage myself."

HUNK in the meanwhile found his gasmask back and put it where it belonged in the first place, on his head. "Well, in that case I better get ready, I suppose."

Krauser handed his boss the lighter and had a strange feeling he knew what was coming. A very rare trick Wesker only performed every once a year or so. And usually in his room.

"Finally." Wesker grabbed the lighter and noted it worked just fine. He went to the stage where the Iron Maidens were still performing and snatched the microphone away from one of them. While dodging dangerous spikes and sharp teeth he scratched his throat.

"Hello?" Wesker mumbled into the microphone. "Can you hear me?"

"Loud and clear, strangah!" Came mr. Merchant's voice from underneath the stage. He was doing something odd to the cabels.

"Good." Wesker decided to ignore the man underneath the stage and continued."For the eh... people around eh... Jesus, I'm not doing this for you, but I suggest you enjoy it nevertheless, for it might be your last time!" Wesker dodged another Iron Maiden that wanted to pin him to its body. "Here's my rarely seen Fire Breathing Trick!"

The next thing that happened caused chaos, panic and destruction. HUNK and Krauser were already standing outside, watching out for their safety, but many people got lost in the fire. Lost as in they had no idea where they were. They didn't die, most of them weren't human anyway.

"I thought B.O.W.'s were supposed to be weak against fire, like those green pokemon..." Wesker shrugged. "Ahwell, this will do too." He smirked as he saw many people heading towards the exit and slowly shook his head. "You don't invite Wesker for a wedding... Let this be a lesson!"

After a few minutes there were only two 'people' left in the building. Nemesis, who was booming "F.I.R.E! F.I.R.E!" in his awesome voice of doom and Wesker, who enjoyed the sight of a burning regenerator.

"Heh, chaos, panic and destruction, I suppose my work here is done." Wesker exited the building aswell, closely follow by Nemesis, and stared at the mass of people standing on the grass near the building. He turned around and pointed at the building, now enfulged in flames. "And that, people, is why it is such a rare trick..." He walked up to Krauser and HUNK and decided it was time to leave.

"Hey strangah! Wait up!" Mr. Merchant, who had been playing with the cables, walked up to the bunch. "Listen strangah, got somethin' that might interest ya, hehehe..."

Wesker tilted his head. "What would that be?"

"An employee, strangah. I have access to the best weapons on the planet, I know guns like nobody else does, and heck, I'm very charming too!"

Krauser nodded. "He really is." He beamed.

"Hmmm, fine, why not." Wesker shrugged. "The more people I have behind me, the less are behind Redfield, come to my office tomorrow and we'll discuss details."

"Okay, strangahs, see ya around." Mr. Merchant nodded at Jack, who lovingly started to pet his TMP. "How's that thing working out for ya?"

"Never had a better weapon my whole life, man." Krauser smiled.

"Good."

And Mr. Merchant stalked off again, carefully avoiding Leon who wanted more upgrades. He was going to work for Wesker, so it would probably better to stay away from 'the enemy'.

HUNK silently shook his head. "That man ain't never touching my Matilda."

Wesker rolled his eyes, though, as usual, invisible behind the dark sunglasses. "He probably doesn't want to, who knows where that thing has been."

HUNK was about to start complaining but Krauser and Wesker didn't hear it, they were already walking back to Krauser's car of awesomness, ready to leave. So he shrugged it off. One more word about Matilda and... and... Oh hell, it didn't matter, it was time to go home, and that they did. Before the firefighters arrived, just in case.

_So, what have we learned?_  
Not that much, but it's nice to see Mr. Merchant will still be able to make a living... And Wesker, if he ever loses his job, can join the circus.

_However, what really matters is this:_  
**Wesker does indeed have a way with weddings.**

* * *

For the love of Wesker, that wasn't half as cracking as I thought it would be. Apples, they be good aye?

Now I must leave to write someone else a chapter. Bribing, it's one of my very few talents. Bribing, shooting zombies and riding mopeds, what else do I need to be capable of doing?

**Please strangahs, keep it up with the reviews and I will keep updating faster than a maniac can say 'REDRUM!'**

T


	16. Women 2

**Warnings**: Crackfic? Not completely. Dirty minds.

Before I get another review wondering about spoilers... There is** NOT** a spoiler in this chapter. Every single RE5-reference comes from TRAILERS that everyone has seen already. I did not even play the game myself. The Excella-Wesker thing is how** I** see it. Not how the game is.

**Inspired by:** RE Code Veronica. "Look at the power I've just gained." "Oh little fishy, come see my hook." "You are not worthy of its power!"  
My fave RE for sure.

**Thanks to:** michaellover, Ultimolu, CarrieChaos, Wolfgirl16, Ezmy, slouchingtyger, Zombiegirl2007, Electric Eclectic, CMYK-, The Famous Fire Lady M and Acolyte of Truth **for reviewing!**

**I appreciate it BIG time.  
****Also thanks for the new ideas, I swear, when I have time I will get to working on some of them. **

_You know I don´t own RE. You know, I know, Capcom knows, hell, even my cat knows. (Which is not named Mr. T!)_

**Please, enjoy strangahs!  
**_I'm happy some of you appear to like Mr. Merchant. I had to add him, I miss writing about him._

* * *

**Wesker has a way with women part dos, two, deux, zwei, twee**

Albert Wesker was sitting behind his computer, staring at the insane amount of new members on his website. He was surprised so many people joined because he wasn't that popular. At least not in a good way, and we all know that.

But it appeared nobody cared it was Wesker. Because no matter what happened, Wesker could not physically hurt someone while being in a chatbox. Sure, he could destroy their self-esteem, he could emotionally scar them for life or he could ban them, but that all seemed better than being beaten the living crap out of.

So on that one boring saturday, when Wesker didn't feel like doing anything at all, he encountered some new faces in his chatbox. Much to his surprise, because lately it seemed that everyone that was once dead, was starting to come back to live again.  
But that doesn't matter... Wesker's seen stranger things, so we're not getting into that subject. Thankfully, that one day, most people seemed rather normal. Or so he hoped.

**Ada says:**  
Dr. Salvador stole my finest dress...

**Albert says:**  
And how does that concern me?

**Ada says:**  
I want you to go on a mission to retrieve it.

**Albert says:**  
And I work for you since...?

**Ada says:**  
Now. You must always help a damsel in distress.

**Albert says:**  
I do not recall ever doing that?

_Claire has entered the chatroom._

**Albert says:**  
Redfield.

**Claire says:**  
:) Look how cute, a chatroom...

**Ada says:**  
My damn dress, go and get it back.

**Albert says:**  
No. Could you please stop whining about your dress? Buy a new one.

**Claire says:**  
How is everyone?

**Ada says:**  
Angry, my dress was stolen.

**Albert says:**  
Satisfied, miss Redfield. I found the perfect way to dispose of you beloved brother.

**Claire says:**  
:(

_Excella has entered the chatroom._

**Albert says:**  
Uh, what's with the women in here? Where's Jack?

**Excella says:**  
Must be your new after-shave, Albert ;)

**Albert says:**  
For the love of...

_Alexia has entered the chatroom._

**Albert says:**  
Alexia!

**Claire says:**  
Alexia???! :O

**Ada says:**  
What?

**Excella says:**  
Hmpf.

**Alexia says:  
**I did something quite extraordinary.

**Claire says:**  
You mean coming back from the hereafter?

**Alexia says:**  
No, I do that all the time. I baked cookies.

**Ada says:**  
I do like cookies... Can I have one?

**Alexia says:**  
You? You are not worthy of its power! Hahahaha -evil laugh-

**Albert says:**  
Can't you women go somewhere else to chat about this nonsense?

**Excella says:**  
No, I can not, you haven't been paying attention to me lately.

**Alexia says:**  
A girlfried? Wesker?

**Claire says:**  
She'll be dead within a matter of months, wanna bet?

**Ada says:**  
Yes! I'll bet 10 bucks on dead within two months.

**Claire says:**  
I say three.

**Alexia says:**  
I say ten, because I bet good ol' Wesker has a trick or two up his sleeve.

**Excella says:**  
Hey... You're just jealous.

**Albert says:**  
Please, take your nonsense somewhere else.

**Excella says:**  
Could you take me somewhere else, Albert?

**Albert says:**  
No.

**Claire says:**  
Great relationship... I can tell who's in charge. I bet this relationship is over before the end of this week.

**Excella says:**  
Stop making bets about me!

**Albert says:  
**There is no relationship.

**Excella says:  
**Yes there is, you'll be needing a partner, right?

**Albert says:**  
For the love of...

**Alexia says:**  
You? You are not worthy of his power!

**Albert says:**  
Why thank you, Alexia.

**Excella says:**  
Bitch.

**Ada says:**  
-ROFL-

**Excella says:**  
It's not about his power, I have my eyes set on something much bigger.

**Alexia says:**  
You are definitely worthy of that thing's power!

**Claire says:**  
-ROFLMFAO-

**Ada says:**  
This is sheer brilliance.

**Albert says:**  
Are you kidding me?

**Excella says:**  
I don't think that's quite what I meant.

**Alexia says:**  
I know for a fact that is what I meant.

**Albert says:  
**... You have got to be kidding me.

**Claire says:**  
How big is that power anyway?

**Alexia says:**  
Beyond human recognition, I bet.

**Ada says:**  
Ask Excella, if she's in a relationship with him, she must know.

**Albert says:**  
Stop this nonsense this instant!

**Claire says:**  
Excella, tell me... How big exactly?

**Excella says:**  
Oh come on, you think I would measure it?

**Ada says:**  
Well, esitmated length then? =D Or width... That is important too, you know?

**Albert says:**  
... I mean it. Excella doesn't know, she has not and will not ever see it, for we are NOT in a relationship!

**Claire says:**  
I love it when a man is willing to wait for sex.

**Albert says:**  
Stop that, miss Redfield. Or I will pay your brother a visit tonight.

**Ada says:**  
Do that, Wesker... Maybe next time when I talk to Chris, I can ask him about the size of your power.

**Albert says:**  
... !!!!!

**Excella says:**  
Stop teasing the man...

**Alexia says:**  
I'd rather find out myself instead of hearing about it.

**Ada says:  
**... Wouldn't we all?

**Claire says:  
**Tee-hee... :D I can't say, he wants my family deader than dead, and then a little more dead, just to make sure.

_HUNK has entered the chatroom._

**HUNK says:**  
Hello there... All ladies?

**Albert says:  
**About time.

**HUNK says:**  
Eh, I got held up... Jack got stuck in a manhole. What are we talking about?

**Ada says:**  
Wesker's power.

**Claire says:**  
Wesker's power!

**HUNK says:**  
Oh, nice. I really admire your power, sir.

**Ada says:**  
-PMSL-

**Claire says:**  
ROFPMSL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL LOL LOLLLLLL!!!!!!

**Alexia says:**  
... Teehee. :D

**Excella says:**  
I've had it with you people, I will be in my office Albert!

_Excella has left the chatroom._

**Albert says:**  
I pray she stays there too...

**HUNK says:**  
I don't get it.

**Ada says:**  
So, special agent HUNK, what is it that you like about Wesker's power?

**Albert says:**  
Miss Wong, please...

**HUNK says:**  
Well, he's so fast, you know?

**Claire says:**  
Nothing like a quickie on a cold wintermorning.

**Alexia says:**  
Will I ever get to see that power?

**Albert says:  
**...

**HUNK says:**  
It's interesting to see such power, so close to home.

**Claire says:**  
I just peed myself XD

**Ada says:**  
Bathroombreak!

**Alexia says:**  
I envy you, HUNK.

**Albert says:**  
I'm done with this, get out or die.

**HUNK says:**  
Sir, what is the problem? I thought your power meant everything to you?

**Alexia says:**  
I wish I meant everything to me...

**HUNK says:**  
You go on and on about it, looking proud and all.

**Alexia says:  
**I love a proud man every once in a while.

**HUNK says:**  
I bet many people would like to have such power inside of them.

**Alexia says:**  
HUNK, I could not agree more, I would kill for that power inside of me.

**Claire says:  
**... I haven't laughed like this since that one time Chris fell off a statue of a naked Greek man, and landed with his ass on that statue's power.

**Albert says:**  
I can't ban anyone from this chatroom! The banfunction is broken. Damn internet!

**Ada says:  
**Oh I will treasure this moment for the rest of my life.

**Claire says:**  
I know. Full of power, we will not forget about this easily... But I have to go.

**Ada says:  
**Me too. Next week, same time?

**Claire says:**  
For sure!

_Claire has left the chatroom._

_Ada has left the chatroom._

**HUNK says:**  
SIR! I must leave again already, Jack just set his hair on fire again.

**Albert says:**  
For the love of me, HUNK... Come back soon?

**HUNK says:**  
Will try! G'day miss Ashford.

**Alexia says:**  
Tah taah.

_HUNK has left the chatroom._

**Alexia says:**  
All alone in space and time, tell me Wesker... Is there any chance I am worthy of your power?

**Albert says:**  
How about we give it a try and find out, dear heart...

**Alexia says:**  
Okay, be right there!

_Alexia has left the chatroom._

**Albert says:**  
I hope she's in her first form.

**Albert says:**  
Hehehehe.

**Albert says:**  
Time to show off my power.

_Albert has left the chatroom._

**It appears Wesker has a way with women... However, it also appears women have a way with Wesker every once in a while.**

* * *

I myself prefer Wesker x OC, however... It's closely followed by Wesker x Alexia. I think Alexia is just way-too-cool.

I hope you liked another chatboxchappie... I promise to update again sooner, or at least I hope so. I'm busy these days.

**Reviews are... 1. Appreciated. 2. Lovely. 3. A sign for me to continue this fic.**  
Flamers... You're not worthy of my writings XD


	17. Wikipedia

Hey kids. I wanted to update sooner, but my brother has RE5, so I spent 4 evenings in his room, playing. And then I finished the game. And didn't feel like writing, hehe.

**You know I don't own this game. Capcom does.**

**Thanks to:**Zombiegirl2007, Wolfgirl16, slouchingtyger, michaellover, Albert Wesker's meh boss, CarrieChaos, Ultimolu, M364M4Ncro (though that wasn't really a review lmao), Ezmy, Spark of Insanity, Electric Eclectic, The Famous Fire Lady M, Wicked Demon, The Aviatian Master and CMYK- **for reviewing since I posted 16.**

Huh? Did I miss anyone? **Thank you very much strangahs, have some cookies and m&m's.**

**Inspired by: **I took one of your words! Wikipedia! And I have this odd interest in certain religions and gods.

**Warnings: **Crackfic? I know hardly any of this is TRUE! But come on, sometimes the truth isn't that funny, now is it?

**Enjoy, dear heart.**

* * *

**Wesker has a way with Wikipedia.**

Ever since Wesker was born there have been several changes in the world. Some small, like the creation of the Playstation, some rather big, that being the internet.  
Wesker liked the Internet. He liked his chat-box and he loved mailing Krauser annoying tasks. He found it amusing to search for information about random objects like kites and he really enjoyed Facebook. But there was one thing he didn't understand. One thing that he didn't like about the Internet. One small thing that he wished he'd never found out about.

**Wikipedia.**

The reason? Wesker had googled himself, and he had found Wikipedia. He had clicked on the link and he had found a whole page about Joseph Frost, ex S.T.A.R.S member and now dead man. On Joseph's page there was a link to 'Albert Wesker' but when Wesker clicked it, it told him that there wasn't a page about him yet. Nobody had created a page about Wesker yet! Like he wasn't important at all... Now imagine that! Unbelievable, is it not? Exactly, it really is unbelievable, at least that's what Wesker thought.

So he became a member of the dreaded website and decided he would write one himself. He, Wesker, would write an entire webpage about himself, just to make sure people would get to know him better. He thought it would come in handy someday... If people could read about Wesker, they would know what to expect whenever he finally claimed the right to be God.

I know you're curious about what he put on his page, and you know what, so was I... So I will share it with you, dear fellow fans. Because we must all know what to expect when our semi-God finally wins the grand prize. This is what he has written on his page up until now...;

**

* * *

  
Albert Wesker.**

_Personal Life;_

Albert Wesker was born in 1960 in a small village near the border of Canadia, As a child he was already a rather evil person, his mother threatened to sell him to a merchant on several occasions, but she never really did. She liked her little boy a little too much, no matter how many objects he put in the mixer.

At the age of 15, Albert wanted to become a pair of sunglasses, but after finding out that wasn't a real job, he decided against it and eventually became one of the most succesfull scientists to ever roam the planet.

He started to work for Umbrella, not to be confused with the things we all use when it's raining, and quickly became one of their best researchers. He discovered many interesting things, under which the cure to Attention Deficit Disorder, but that cure was never created because only minutes after he discovered it, he had already forgotten about it again.

He also joined S.T.A.R.S. Many people think it's because he wanted to use the other team-members to fight some B.O.W.'s so he could get some combat data, but the true reason for Albert Wesker becoming captain was never revealed. Until now, because Albert joined them for no reason at all. He was just sick of listening to William Birkin ranting about cloning his cat Mr. T.

Albert's involvement with the mansion incident is still rather vague. Some people think he intentionally lured the other S.T.A.R.S into the mansion, but a recent interview with Mr. Barry Burton revealed that they accidently got lost on their way to Disney Land. This is presumably a result of the previously mentioned Attention Deficit Disorder.

Yes, Albert now knows Disney Land is located in France. He will never think Disney Land is an actual country ever again.

After being an ass and betraying many Umbrella-employees as well he started to work for some people who never revealed themselves to Albert. He went to some island near some sea to find some virus. The virus was supposed to be located inside the body of a woman named Alexia Ashford. After trying to find the virus, and constantly running into a man wearing make-up, also known as Alfred Ashford, he decided to give up. It was a good thing Chris Redfield was around, because thanks to Chris he eventually did find Alexia.

Afterwards nobody heard from him for a long time, because he was busy doing nothing but sitting around, giving people cryptic missions and petting his cat Mr. T.

He wasn't heard from again until the events in Spain occurred. The only thing he wanted was a sample from Saddler, but he never got it because Ada Wong, his employee, turned out to be nothing but a bitch in a red dress.  
Luckily his other employee, Jack Krauser, had a giant mutated arm, so Albert could study that thing instead, much to Krauser's pleasure, really.

Not too much later he was contacted by a man named HUNK, who also joined his team. Together they wanted to restore Umbrella, but they didn't get very far since they could not find any sponsors. There was a drought going on, so nobody thought it would be very useful to invest in umbrellas.

_Present;_

Albert Wesker is currently on a quest to becoming a God. The only things he has left to do until making it that far are;

1. Kill Zeus, Odin, Amon-Ra, Dagda and Jupiter. Yes indeed, he has already beaten all other gods. Odin is giving him a lot of trouble because he keeps riding away on his horse Sleipnir. It's very hard to catch up with them since Sleipnir has eight legs.  
2. Dispose of Chris Redfield, because the man keeps following Albert around, and Albert does not take kindly to stalkers.  
3. Grow a beard. Gods have beards.

_Trivia;_

- Wesker inherited Birkin's cat Mr. T. after Birkin died of Attention Deficit Disorder.  
- Wesker's favorite pastime is hanging out with his comrades HUNK, Krauser and Mr. Merchant.  
- When it's raining and Wesker is out with miss Excella Gionne, he uses an umbrella and sings 'Under my umbrella, -ella, -ella.' just to annoy her.  
- Wesker secretly wants to find all the Dragonballs so he can wish for immortality.  
- It is presumed that his ADD is a result from having too many viruses inside of his body.  
- Wesker is currently not in a romantic relationship, or so he thinks. He may just have forgotten about it.  
- The many viruses gave him a british accent. He doesn't mind because, and let's quote, 'It sounds rather sexy'.  
- His favorite word is 'perhaps', closely followed by 'wookie' and the term of endearment 'dear heart'.  
- His IQ has never been tested, but people think it's somewhere between 249 and 251.

_This page is still under construction._

* * *

Wesker sighed and rolled his awesome chair of doom backwards, - yes while still sitting on it-, and turned around to stare through the window. It was dark outside and he knew what that meant... It meant it was night. Albert is smart, we all know that.

So he put on his sunglasses again and went to bed. Typing is tiring, and tomorrow he would try growing a beard, so he needed all the rest he could get.  
So instead of bothering him some more, we will wish him a good night.

Conclusion: **Wesker has a way with Wikipedia.**

* * *

Canadia you ask? Wolfgirl16 took Krauser's skirt, I will take her country. Muahahaha, I took your country.

Yes, underlined are supposed to be 'links'. You know wikipedia, right.  
Listen kids (and people who are older than I am)** I would like it if you took my new poll, but please review first? :)**

**TTT**


	18. Witnessing the Power

**SPOILERS FOR RE5. Especially the ending, you know?**

**Thanks for reviewing....**michaellover, Ultimolu, CMYK-, ???, Zombiegirl2007, Mistress Mary D., Ezmy, Black the Ripper, Wolfgirl16, CarrieChaos, The Famous Fire Lady M., Aqua Crescent, kelley28 and Electric Eclectic.  
(Did I miss anyone? If so, sorry!)

**Inspired by:** Black the Ripper left me a long review and even yelled at me.

**Mentioned in review of Black:**encyclopedia dramatica. I never heard of that shit, but God be my witness, after checking it out I was rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off.  
I should re-write chappie 17 and submit it there, or something. Wesker has no page there, and he SHOULD, because he is good mocking-material.

**I think this needs warnings:** RE5 SPOILERS OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
_Enjoy, dear heart._

* * *

**Wesker has a way with Witnessing the Power.  
**_That's just dandy, isn't it?_

**Halloween 2009:**

Wesker was still alive. Only the people who had been directly involved with keeping the man alive, knew how he had survived. HUNK and Krauser weren't very handy when it came to giving medical attention, so they had no idea of what had happened. All they really knew was that their boss was still alive. Today Wesker was allowed to go his own way again, so that he did.

That night in October he was sitting in his giant leather chair again, the back of the chair facing the door, not showing any parts of Wesker himself to whoever would enter his office. He was petting Mr. T, which was rather odd because that cat had to be at least fifteen years old already. His thoughts were interrupted when someone knocked on his door.

Not awaiting an answer Jack Krauser barged in with a very happy look on his face. "Trick or TREAT!" He boomed so loud, Mr. T started to hiss.

Wesker just grabbed a flash grenade and threw it over his shoulder. Jack, blinded by the bright flash, stumbled backwards, his butt bumping into HUNK who was standing behind him.

"I'd say that was a 'trick'." HUNK stated with a very dry tone in his voice. "You don't see the man for months and then when you finally get to see him again, you only want his candy?" HUNK frowned, visible because he wasn't wearing a gas mask for once. "That's just nasty, Jack."

"I like candy." Jack replied shortly.

"Go ask Mr. Merchant."

"In a minute..." Jack walked back into the office and stared at the back of Wesker's chair, who still had not turned around. "Sir, I am SO happy you're still alive and all." He said happily. "We were SO worried and all."

HUNK sat down in one of the random chairs and nodded, more to himself than to Krauser. "Same here. I nearly lost my job there." He frowned. "I would've ended up working at a McDonald's, now imagine that."

"Why a McDonalds?" Jack wondered. "I wanted to become a ballerina, I already have a skirt, ya see?"

"I do still wonder why you're wearing it right now."

"It's Halloween... You're wearing a television, for God's sake."

"The right to become a God..." Wesker finally said something. "That right is **still** mine."

HUNK smirked and wiggled around in his chair, cursing himself for dressing up as a television. "I know sir, we're very happy about that."

"Turn around, please." Jack begged. "I didn't see you in ages, or so it feels anyway." He sighed and tried to pull his short skirt a little further down. "Please, sir."

Wesker sighed. "I'm not ready yet."

HUNK and Jack exchanged a few glances, both wondering what was going on. Maybe Wesker, the man without any emotions except for anger, had been traumatised?

"Sir, wouldn't you like to witness the POWER for a minute?" Jack waved around his arm-blade. "It missed you."

HUNK just cocked an eyebrow at that remark. "Jack needs a mental exam." He mumbled. "He's so obsessed with his POWER it's not even funny anymore."

Wesker, still invisible, cringed. He grabbed Mr. T with his one hand and sat the cat down on his lap.

"The POWER wants some attention." Jack Power muttered. "Sir, what's wrong?"

"How did you survive anyway?" HUNK continued Jack's sentence. "I still don't get it, a volcano sir?"

Wesker stared at Mr. T and shrugged off his annoyed feelings. He wondered whether to make his new appearance public or not. These men were to be considered his best pals and they would find out eventually, but Jack was making it so hard... So damn hard.

"Sir, no matter what happened, the POWER and I will always be with you." Jack Power said in a rather nice tone. "We promise."

"Jack, please..." Wesker muttered. "One more word about that arm of yours and I will rip it off and dispose of it in a volcano."

Jack blushed. "Sorreh."

HUNK was about to get worried. Mainly because his television costume was starting to get uncomfortable. "Sir?"

Wesker's chair moved a little, but still didn't turn around. He started talking. "You know how my life was saved by Birkin's virus many years ago? After I had that tyrant kill me?"

"Yup." Both men replied in unison.

"And in order to stay alive again, I needed another virus or mutation, that's how it works, that was the only way." Wesker continued.

"I thought so." HUNK said, staring intesely at the black chair.

"Well. I was so damn beat up, they didn't have a lot of time to decide on what to use to prevent me from dying again." Wesker sighed. "So they did something pretty odd. Ridiculous, even."

The chair started to turn slowly, revealing parts of Wesker now. He wasn't wearing sunglasses, which meant something must've been really wrong. There were a few random scars on his face, probably from previous burns, but nothing that wouldn't heal eventually.

"You don't look that different..." HUNK said a bit hesitant. "I heard you mutated really badly."

"Side-effects of the new thing." Wesker just stated shortly before turning around and showing himself in full, new glory.

"Oh my God..." Krauser fell silent for the first time in his whole life.

HUNK's eyes grew wide at the sight of his 'new' boss.

"What can I say?" Wesker glanced at his arm, a new one that had saved his life. He got up from his chair and jumped on his desk. "Oh, I know..." He smirked, though a little bittered. "WITNESS THE POWER!"

Krauser finally regained his composure and walked up to his boss, who was still standing on the desk. "Sir, that's the exact same one as I have!" He too jumped on the desk and tried to hug his boss, their 'Powers' colliding.

Wesker threw Jack off of the desk and sighed. "I know, I know..." He stated slowly. "I'm sorry Jack, I know how fond you are of your power and its uniqueness, but..."

_"NOW WE CAN BE POWER-BUDDIES!"_

Oh dear lord, Jack, that's gonna cost ya!

**Wesker too has a way with witnessing the power! :D  
**_He should be proud._

* * *

You know all those things people write about Weskie survived? I always thought it would be because of something like this, because... Jack's POWER is epic. In my opinion anyway.

If you did like it, please leave a review, just like I always say anyway. Oh wait, I promised I would talk too much, so...

SEE YA!  
T


	19. Wheels

**Thanks for reviewing to:**

michaellover, CarrieChaos, Zombiegirl2007, Ultimolu, kelley28, Ezmy, The Famous Fire Lady M, Black the Ripper (I do XD), Wolfgirl16 (Bob?) and ArtisticMasochist (I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I am not familiar with WOW at all :( ).  
Pleased is my second name from now on.

**Inspired by:** MY MOPED! And... HUNK has passed Wesker on the fangirl list of doom. -frowns- How odd?

**Warnings:** The return of Wesker's mom? O_o (Remember her from women part 1?)

**Disclaimer: **Do I look, act, sound or appear to/like I'm owning RE? No, I do not. Capcom does though, whoever that is. -Frown-

**ENJOY LOVES!**

* * *

**Wesker has a way ON wheels.  
**_How Wesker became the Wesker he is today... I'd say 'Buckle up!'_

Wheels, perhaps one of the handiest inventions on the planet. They could be used for so many purposes, but the fact that they made it easier to get from A to B was the best thing about wheels.  
And that they were round, because otherwise the trips from A to B and back would be way too bumpy.

Wesker liked wheels aswell. Throughout the years he had been moving around on quite a lot of them, he had been crashing quite a lot of them aswell and one time, when he was fifteen, he even put one in his mother's mixer.

But Wesker's obsession with mixers isn't the subject of the story today. No, Wesker's obsession with wheels is.

**1961...**

"Awwww Al, look at the birdie, ain't the birdie cute? The birdie goes tweet tweet." Wesker's mom was obstructing Wesker's view, hanging with her face in front of her son's face. "Birdies are nice, never put one into a mixer, Albie." Wesker's mom smirked. "Or you'll be grounded for years."

It appears his mom already saw his obsession with mixers coming when Wesker was still at a very young age.

Albert didn't care about birdies, nor did he care about mixers yet. Albert knew his stroller had wheels, and in his opinion, his mom wasn't pushing him fast enough. So when she turned around to talk to a cat (a habit Albert would later on inherit from his lovely mother) he started to move around violently.

His mom didn't pay attention, which is probably the reason Al grew up to be such an asshole, so she never saw the stroller starting to move aswell. Move pretty fast. Downhill of course. And little Albert? He was having the time of his life until a rock appeared out of nowhere, and he made a brilliant frontflip. Luckily he landed on all of his wheels, and nothing got hurt or broken in the process.

This was indeed Wesker's first near-death-experience.

**1963**

"Al? What did I tell you about your tricycle?" Wesker's mom asked demanding.

"That it has three wheels, and not matter how hard I try, I will never break the sixty miles per hour speedlimit." Albert answered, showing off his already high IQ.

"And what else?"

"Don't ride it in front of trucks, cars, motorcycles, tractors or cyclists."

"Good boy, now go outside and play, mommy has work to do."

And there lil' Albie went, on a brandnew, lightblue tricycle. Later on, at the age of five, he would spraypaint it black, but in 1963 it was still blue. And new, and pretty, and many other things it wouldn't stay forever.

He didn't crash it, not even once. But he used it for different purposes. Evil purposes even. They were called... Boobies.

Al installed his tricycle underneath a small window, and climbed up. It took him a few minutes, but eventually he was able to peek through the tiny window, and what he saw there was something he would never forget.

"What is that?" He asked himself confused when he saw a halfnaked girl. "And what are those?" He frowned. "Will I get those too?" He quickly jumped off and sat down on his tricycle. "Not cool, not cool at all." He went back home and never spoke about the things he had seen, but for at least a full year Albert Wesker was afraid of getting boobies himself.

This was indeed the first traumatising event Wesker ever had to deal with.

**1969**

"Awesome." Wesker pointed at the shop-window, which revealed a pain of sunglasses shaped like the tires of a car. "Can I have those?"

Wesker's mom stared at the sunglasses aswell, wondering why they even made things like that. "Eh, Al? It's winter."

"So? I can wear sunglasses whenever I want to, and I will!" Albert pouted. "Pretty please?"

Mom Wesker sighed and shrugged. "If you promise me to stop wrecking every damn bicycle I give you."

"I can try..." Albert smirked deviously. "But I can't promise anything."

"Al?"

Wesker shrugged. "Fine, fine."

He had never been happier than on that day when he got his first sunglasses. On that day he decided he would always wear sunglasses, no matter what season it was, or whether it was day or night. Sunglasses and Albert were one from then on, and he didn't give a damn about what other people would think about it.

That was indeed Wesker's first pair of sunglasses.

**1971**

"I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my biiiike. I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I LIKE!" Abert sang to his mother after she forbid him to cycle to the other end of Canadia. (He was born there, remember?)

"No Al! You can not ride to the other side of the country, you'd be so tired..." Mom Wesker mumbled while fixing a hole in Albert's pants. (No, he wasn't in the pants at that moment, come on!)

"But..."

"I said no, Albie, now go out and play, mommy's busy."

So there Albie went again, on his bicycle, and he rode it to the other end of Canadia. Or so he said anyway, he could be joking. Thing here is... He made a friend! A very nice friend! A very odd one aswell...

"Biiiicycle, biiiicycle, bicycle, bicycle, RACE!" Albert rang his bicyclebell and came to a halt. He was on the other end of Canadia, but he had no idea about what to do there.

Suddenly a small boy walked up to him. He didn't look very old, not as old as Al yet, anyway. Maybe seven or eight? "Who would you be?" The boy asked curiously.

"My name is Albert, and my sunglasses are epic." He re-adjusted his tire-sunglasses. "And who would you be?"

"I'm HUNK!" HUNK stated shortly. "And I don't like wheels one bit... I prefer to fly."

"What kind of name is HUNK?" Albert frowned.

HUNK shrugged. "Well, when I was one I accidently fell from a roof of a two-story house. Then when I was three I got kidnapped and I accidently killed the kidnapper. Then when I was four I swallowed a frog and nearly choked, but I eventually didn't. When I was six I got into a fight with a 'gator and I won, obviously, and now three days ago, I broke my leg because I tried that rope-jumping game with the girls." HUNK sighed. "I'm indestructible, a Human Unit Never Killed, so my parents stopped calling me Michael and started calling me HUNK."

Al nodded, approval washing over his face. "Next time you should try a frontflip in a stroller, they're fun too!"

"Great plan..." HUNK mumbled. "I have to eat, bye!"

Al waved. "Bye bye!"

That was indeed Al's first time he rode cross-country, and his first time meeting HUNK.

... And his first experience with his gift of being able to see the future, since 'Bicycle' wasn't even written yet.  
We're getting somewhere now!

**  
1994**

"It's time you started liking things with four wheels..." Birkin stated after he saw Wesker arrive on his moped again.

"My moped gets me anywhere I want to, on two wheels. So why change?" Wesker asked confused. "Are you jealous? You want a ride home tonight?"

Birkin eyed Wesker's moped. "On that thing?"

Wesker shrugged. "It won't bite, you know." He cocked an eyebrow. "Yes or no?"

"Suuuuure..." Birkin mumbled. Birkin didn't dislike the moped, he just thought they were lame because they were so damn slow. Mopeds just seemed boring to the man.

Later that night Wesker handed Birkin a helmet and off they went, on Al's moped of Doom. Yes, that was actually the name of the moped. It even said so on the saddle; 'do not touch Al's moped of Doom.'

Birkin wasn't holding on to Wesker or the moped, since he thought it would be slow anyway. And even if Albert did pick up speed, it still wasn't an experience to treasure for the rest of his life. That is until...

"SHIT!" Wesker shouted, and came to a halt very suddenly. Birkin didn't see this coming and yes, Birkin made a frontflip, over Wesker's head, and landed on his helmet in the sand.

"Why did you stop like that?" Birkin asked confused after getting up and brushing some sand from his clothes.

Wesker sighed. "There was a cat on the road."

"And you care about cats since when?"

"Not too sure," Wesker stated with a smirk "but I do."

That was indeed Wesker's first time of giving someone else a ride. It was Birkin's first time and a moped, and Birkin was pretty sure it was the last aswell.

**1998**

"FROST! Stop that immedietely!" Wesker's voice echoed through the hall where Joseph Frost was riding around in his office chair.

"Yes, captain, after I finish my tenth lap!" Frost saluted Wesker while riding by and disappeared around a corner.

Wesker just shook his head. In the past four years wheels had not been the key to a better life anymore. His gun was that key now. Or that tyrant, that was the key to a better life. His gun nor the tyrant needed wheels, so he never thought about them anymore.

Until now.

Wesker hurried into his office and locked the door behind him. He grabbed the phone and called Birkin.

"Birkin here." Birkin said dryly.

"William, I have got a magnificent idea!" Wesker exclaimed while his old self took over his body. "It's about the tyrant!"

"What? It's perfect already, we can't mess with perfection." Birkin replied annoyed.

"The tyrant, it needs..." Wesker almost laughed out loud, something that hardly ever happened. "I think it needs rollerskates!"

There was a sigh on the other end of the line. Then a soft click and a beeping noise, meaning Birkin had hung up.

Wesker shrugged it off. "Screw you, I hope you turn into a mutant with an eye in your shoulder someday!"

Then he grabbed his own office chair, opened the door again and sat down in the hallway. Just when Frost raced around the corner Wesker rode away aswell. "Race ya there, Frost!"

That was indeed the first and last time Wesker had fun with another member of S.T.A.R.S.  
Oh, and also the second time he predicted the future, since he didn't know Birkin would later on inject himself with the G-virus.

**2003**

"It's a tractor." Jack Krauser stated proudly while eyeing his farming tool. "They said I can't drive cars for a year ever since I bumped that fire hydrant, but they can't be taking away my Trekkie."

Wesker nodded quietly and stared at the tractor. Then he turned around and stared at Jack, who wanted to work for Wesker. Then he eyed Trekkie again.

"So anyway, I really want that job, because I need money... I want to spraypaint Trekkie, I don't quite like a purple tractor." Jack continued.

"Can I ride it?" Wesker suddenly asked.

"Huh?"

"Can I ride it? Just a lap..." Wesker felt that tickle again. That tickle that started in his stoumach, but slowly made its way through his body. That tickle that wouldn't stop tickling until Wesker was riding around on something with wheels.

"Sure, why not."

So there Wesker went, on a tractor during rush-hour. He didn't care it was slow, because it was a gigantic tractor. Wesker finally felt alive again, for the first time since he had that office chair race with Frost.

After a long lap he returned to Krauser and smirked. He climbed down and gave Jack his keys back. "You're hired."

That was indeed Wesker's first time on a tractor and his first time meeting Jack.  
If you want to work for Wesker, get yourself a tractor.

**  
2009**

"Sir, if you pull slowly we will actually start flying..." HUNK pointed out the obvious.

HUNK and Wesker were on a plane, because Wesker wanted to learn how to fly. Or so he said anyway. In the past thirty years or so they had become good friends, every now and then taking a moment to remember Wesker's tire-sunglasses and HUNK's attempts to play jump rope.

"I know." Wesker muttered while making his seventh lap around the airport. "I know..."

"Sir, are you afraid?" HUNK asked a bit hesitant. "Because I'm in control too, remember?"

"I know..." Wesker muttered again.

"Sir?"

"Two more laps and then I'm done..." Wesker said slowly. "Hehehe, this is great."

"But..." HUNK was getting confused. "Sir, don't you want to fly? We're just riding around now."

Wesker nodded and suddenly smiled a real smile. "I know, isn't it great?!"

That was indeed Wesker's first attempt to ride a plane. How odd...

What have we learned? It's the wheels that make the man, and no matter how hard you try, you can not completely get rid of the child inside of you.

**Wesker has a way on wheels.**

* * *

I had fun writing this chappie! :D I kept thinking about objects with wheels. I bet I'll dream about tractors tonight.  
I hope you liked it too! If you did, please drop me a review? :)

(Only one more chapter to go... I miss this already)


	20. The happy ending!

Okay, the last chapter, the last crackfic, the last WWW.  
Thank you for the enormous amount of reviews, words, adding to favourites and alert lists and... Most of all for reading.

_**Thanks for reviewing last chappie to...  
**_michaellover, Ultimolu, DeathOfAAngel, Wolfgirl16, CarrieChaos, The Famous Fire Lady M and resident evil fangirl.  
Thank you strangahs, I hope to see you in the upcoming 'sequel' ^^

**Inspired by:**I bought Singstar Abba. I listen to Abba a lot (Nostalgic feelings). I own that movie Mamma Mia. My brother keeps nagging about Abba being stuck in his head. Abba = life today.

**Warnings:**CRACK, sexual references, long chapter, scary type of romance, YAOI YAOI YAOI YOU'RE WARNED!!!!!!!! HUNK x Krauser. Slightly OOC? But that's okay, this is humor.

**The last disclaimer:**I do not own HUNK, Wesker, Krauser, Mr. Merchant or anything else related to RE. I do own my Mary Sue OC, because I made her up.  
Nor do I own the Abbasongs or ´Make you feel my love´.

**Are you ready for the (not so grand) finale?  
**_Please enjoy, dear hearts._

* * *

My dearest Journal,

it's me again, Albert. Oh, the past few days have been so busy, I couldn't find the time to write anything. I did want to, but Krauser... Well, let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Two days ago the day started like any other day. I went to work when it was still dark outside. You know, the moon was silent and the birds were in the sky. It was cold, snowing even, and within a matter of minutes I was whiter than a regular snowman.  
It was nice outside, I always liked snow, so I thought it was going to be a wonderful day. I would do some work, contact some people about selling the W-virus and I wanted to send both Jack and HUNK on a new mission, because they had been behaving so well.  
But boy, was I wrong...

It already started before I entered the building. Leaning against the wall, completely dressed like an eskimo, was HUNK. He was smoking a cigarette and trying to dodge the falling snow. Now that's odd, because normally HUNK smokes inside, in his own office, usually setting things on fire in the process.

But not that day, no he was outside, smoking a fag, staring at point blank with an almost frightened look in his eyes. Do realise we are talking about HUNK, void of emotion and usually very sane.  
So I walked up to the man, curious as to why he was outside.

"Mr. Never Killed, why the worried face and insane jacket?" I asked him. I startled him so badly, he almost choked on his cigarette.

HUNK coughed, his breath forming small clouds in the cold winter air. "Jack sir, it's Jack!"

I stared at the building, but there we no signs of Jack whatsoever. Perhaps he had died overnight? That kind of scared me... I may not give a damn about a lot of people, you can count them on one hand that has only three fingers left after playing with fireworks, but Jack did have one of the remaining fingers...

"What about Jack...?"

HUNK glanced to the side, almost as if he was worried the door would open. "Jack... He keeps singing, sir."

"What?"

"Singing... Singing songs by Abba. For some reason everything I do can be referred to a song by Abba, and now, whenever I say something, he replies by singing to me." HUNK was shaking, though I am not sure why... It could be the cold, it could be the thought of a singing Krauser. Who knows.

"Abba?"

HUNK nodded. "Abba indeed." He sighed and lit another cigarette with the burning butt of the one he was smoking before. Damn chain smoker. "He saw that movie, Mamma Mia, and now thinks it's fun to act like that in real life."

"Oh dear Lord..." I muttered. "I don't want to enter a world of singing Jacks."

"Why do you think I am standing outside, sir? He keeps entering my office... About half an hour ago I was happily writing a report when suddenly Jack barged in. He sang me 'honey, honey, how you thrill me, aha, honey, honey'." HUNK's green eyes widened as he recalled what had happened. "Why would Krauser call me honey?"

"Beats me..." I smirked, I liked the thought of Jack and HUNK. For some reason it's even sexier than Mr. Merchant and Leon. Oh, I apologise, I am not queer, but I don't find it a turn-off either.

"What do we do now?" HUNK hid deeper inside his eskimo coat of doom. He looked positively ridiculous that day. "I don't want to go in."

"Well, what beats Abba?" I frowned, I like music, but it's not like I did a lot with it. It wasn't a major part of my life.

HUNK appeared to think for a moment. "Metal?" He half-asked. "I think metal, or else... No, only metal can beat Abba, Abba is hardcore, you know?"

"Then from now on, when Jack goes Abba on you, you go metal on him." I smirked again, this could prove to be fun. "I have to get to work, and so do you..."

I walked up to the door and opened it, letting HUNK walk in first. I didn't do it to appear charming, but because I don't want HUNK standing outside all day, smoking in the snow. He has work to do, I don't pay him for nothing.

Quickly after entering the building I realised what HUNK meant. More employees were standing around, eyeing me nervously. It appears Jack had been Abba-ing not just HUNK, but everyone already. A bit hesitant I entered my office, and was relieved to see nobody was in there. Or so I thought...

Just when I was about to sit down on my chair Jack popped up from underneath my desk. Before I could ask him what the hell was going on, he started to talk.

"Sir!" He boomed, re-adjusting his beret. "I want a raise." He pouted. "I am in love, and I need to buy this person chocolate."

I frowned violently and waved him away. "No, Jack."

"But sir..."

"I said no, Jack. Start acting sane, stop hiding underneath my desk and I might consider it, but now? Not going to happen."

Krauser scratched his voice and cocked an eyebrow.

_"I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay... Ain't it sad?"_

Dear God, no.

_"And still there never seems to be, a single penny left for me..."_

_"That's too bad..."_ I retorted. "Now get your Abba out of here before I hurt you."

Krauser stood up and glared at me. He should be glad he's one of the people I kind of like, otherwise he would've dead been at that moment. Then he finally left my office to bother someone else, probably HUNK, so I started my computer.

Wait, Jack's in love? With who then? Do I know this person?

I had to stalk Jack and find out... I've been pretty bored lately, and seeing Jack screw up might be entertaining enough to last me through the rest of the month.  
So I stalked him, the whole day, pretending to be observing him while working. Yeah right, nobody would ever want to observe Jack at work.

I didn't quite get his intentions until we met HUNK again, who was hiding behind a giant plant when Jack passed him. Jack saw the plant and HUNK standing behind it, and started to sing again.

_"Don't go wasting your emotion, lay all your love on me!"_

The plant moved and HUNK appeared, apparently ready to run off at any given moment.

_"I wasn't jealous before we met... Now every man that I see is a potential threat."_

Scary? Very... Entertaining? Even more!

"No, man, leave me alone..." HUNK muttered while backing away slowly. "I need to work."

"Behind a plant?" Jack asked curiously. "Do you aspire to become a florist now?"

Jack lost his mind, that's a fact. And I kept thinking that happened years ago, but it appears I was wrong. The Jack I knew before was the sane version.

HUNK silently jogged away and glanced behind him every now and then, trying to see if Jack was following him. But Jack didn't, he started singing 'thank you for the music' after someone handed him a cd with information about B.O.W's on it.

Odd. I pray to God the Bandersnatches didn't start a band...

The rest of the morning was rather quiet. I did some work and chatted with a bunch of weirdos, under which the lovely Alexia. I like Alexia, she's a little too smart for comfort, but nothing I can not handle.  
It's too bad she comes with that cross-dressing freak Alfrexia. He scares me, no matter how many times I see him.

My peace wasn't disturbed until lunchtime. I went outside to grab something from my car and found HUNK there, hiding inside of a snowman. Yes, you read that right. I still don't understand why he never died of hypothermia...

In front of the snowman was Jack Krauser, singing some more scary Abba-songs.

_"One of us is crying, one of us is lying, in his lonely beeeeeeeed." _

"I do not get it!" SnowHUNK replied. "How can your bed be lonely?"

_"Staring at the ceiling, wishing he was somewhere else insteaaaad."_

"Then go somewhere else, please!" SnowHUNK yelled.

_"One is lonely, one of us just only, waiting for a call... Sorry for himself, feeling stupid, feeling small, wishing he had never left at all... Never left at all!"_

"Oh God, I wish you _did_ leave, Jack." Hunkie the snowman yelled. "Because I'm freezing my balls off!"

"Want me to warm them up for you?!" Jack replied with a smug look on his face.

Suddenly the snowman started to burst and revealed HUNK, who was soaking wet, shivering from the cold and had blue lips. I kind of liked it, it's just sad it reminded me of lipstick, which reminded me of Alfrexia, which made me gag.

HUNK ran off once again and disappeared into the building, hopefully to change his outfit. I didn't want him running around in wet clothes, he would ruin the... eh... carpet?

Jack walked up to me and sighed. "Do you think HUNK does not like me?" He asked with a very sad expression.

I shrugged. "I don't know Jack, maybe not, because your name isn't Matilda."

"What if I buy him a gun and have him name it Jack? Would that help?"

"I don't know Jack, but maybe it would be better for you and him if you stopped singing. You're scaring everyone that works here." I frowned. "I have to get back to work, I think."

I wandered off and grabbed the item I needed from my car. I smirked, the thought of HUNK and Jack still made me happy, and I silently hoped they would get it on somehow.  
Of course I wouldn't tell anyone that, since I'm not supposed to seem too interested in other people's businesses. You see, if I seem social and nice, people will take advantage of that. And I can not let that happen, because then it would be even harder to become a God. You know what I mean, right?

The rest of the day was rather chaotic. HUNK was hiding all the time, Jack kept singing Abba songs to everyone and for some odd reason Alexia actually called me, asking me if I wanted to show her my power again.

I said yes. We have a date tomorrow night, so I better wear protection. You know, a suit that is fire-resistant, in case she is planning to spit on me.

When I wanted to leave the building after a long day of working, inwardly laughing at Jack and wondering about where the hell HUNK was, I saw the two weirdos standing on the parking lot.  
They appeared to be engaged in a conversation, so I joined them. I always want to know what is going on, you never know what could happen if they had any secrets for me.

"I'm sorry man, but I can't help it. I think about you all the time, so I thought, by singing you Abba songs, I would capture your heart?"

I think that might've been the sanest thing Jack has ever said. Or at least the nicest, anyway.

"Dude." HUNK sighed. "Why? I HATE Abba."

Jack stepped back, he looked confused. "I thought you loved them! I know you watched that movie, Mamma Mia, and well... You liked it, right?"

"I like the fact Colin Firth is in it, he's British, therefore slightly sexy." HUNK stated annoyed. "I don't like the music at all."

I like Colin Firth too. You know, as an actor? Heh. Wait, I sound British too?

"So you do kind of like other dudes?" Jack asked while fiddling with his backpack. Yes, Jack has a damn backpack.

"Sure, everyone's bi-sexual these days, why not me..." HUNK replied bored. "But whenever a man sings Abba, I will not like him one bit."

"I don't like Abba!" Jack yelled. "I thought you did! So... Hehe, do you like me?"

That came out of nowhere, I swear.

"I don't know yet." HUNK said while trying to find his gas mask. Please don't tell me he will wear that gas mask now... A gas mask combined with an eskimo coat? Positively ridiculous indeed.

Krauser scratched his throat again. Oh dear Lord, no. I now know that means he will start singing, and I would like to leave work without Jack's voice stuck inside my head.

_"When the rain is blowing in your face... And the whole world is on your case... I would offer you a warm embrace, and make you feel my love."_

That was actually rather... nice. I need to leave this place right now, before I start acting like a nice human being. I'm not human anymore, so nice is not a word in my dictionary.

HUNK seemed surprised too. He even smiled, which is something that happens about once a year. I personally think that the two of them might end up together after all, despite Abba and Jack's giant mutant-arm-trick.

I knew it would be a good day, it just didn't exactly go the way I expected it.

While driving my car home, listening to Metallica (do not ask me why, please), I was so lost in thought I nearly missed the hitchhiker standing at the side of the road. I saw blond hair and a face I would recognise from thousands, so I was nice enough to pull over.

"Can you give me a ride?" Alexia asked with a flirty smile. "My brother was going to, but his car broke down, so I had to walk home."

"Of course, dear heart... Get in."

Alexia stopped me when wanted to start the car again. She pulled me closer and leaned in to kiss me. I was happy about it, so I returned the favor. For a moment I felt like heaven, until I brushed my fingers through her hair. When my hand trailed down her back and touched her butt, I could still feel her hair.

I broke the kiss and looked up confused. In my hand there was a... blond wig.

"ALFRED!" I yelled. I opened the door and threw the freak out, hoping he would get injured in the process. I started the car again and drove away very fast, very probably exceeding the speed-limit. "FUCKING TWINS!"

What a day that was, journal. Too bad it ended like that. And so much for recognising a face from thousands...

Well, I must go. Jack and HUNK did get together, and now they want to go to the zoo. For some odd reason they asked me to come along, so I said yes. I really want to see the white tigers, whales, and maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll get to see a Wookie too.

Good day.  


* * *

The End. Het einde. Ende. Fin.

Thank you for reading the last chapter of WWW, which didn't have a word starting with a w. If you liked it, please be kind enough to leave me a review.

Also, this will continue in a different way. A new story with Wesker and his pals, off to do odd things wherever they go. Keep an eye out for it, will ya? :D

SEE YA!  
T


	21. Weed II, the return of WWW

I can't believe I am doing this. xD I missed writing this story!  
Well, according to my poll, most people want WWW back, so after I got into some fun convos yesterday, I thought; why not?

No, the end was not the end after all. But it has been over a full year. I'm happy with this, and I hope you will be too!

This is set during the final events of RE5, at the hangar.

**Warnings; **Drug abuse, CRACK at some points, random conversations, based on chapter 11, 12 and 13 and… Character death. (But don't worry, because in my fics, nobody ever really dies forever.)

Inspired by several people on Facebook. Pot-parties? Also thanks to MistressMaryD. for letting me use her word. :3

I don't own RE! Still!

**Enjoy?**  
(Oh I sure as hell hope so…)

* * *

"This will be the last chance we'll get to do this…" Wesker was staring at something in his hand, and wondered whether or not to go through with the plan. "If Redfield is a little faster than I think he will be, he will witness us doing this."

Wesker, Krauser and HUNK were sitting on a railing at the hangar, waiting for Chris and Sheva to arrive. Only minutes ago, Chris had made his way up in the elevator, and the three men were fully aware of the fact that he was approaching faster than they had ever thought he could. However, they also had a plan to celebrate their years of friendship, and they didn't really want to give Chris the chance to interfere.

"Just do it, if you go all weird like you did back in the Netherlands, I will distract them until you get your brain to work again." HUNK reached into his pocket and grabbed his lighter. "If this thing goes the way it should go, then soon we won't have time to have fun anymore, so we should just take the chance right now."

Krauser didn't join in on the conversation because he had already lighted his magic stick, and was now off to whatever fairytale land he had started to imagine. He jumped off the fence, sat down on the floor and smiled. "It still works… It's been years, but these things still work… Gravity is increasing."

"I'm sure glad there are no windmills here," HUNK stated with a smirk. "Otherwise…"

HUNK didn't finish his sentence, because Jack was once again imagining the thing he had been so afraid of the previous time they had decided to get high. "Oh no, oh guys, listen… If gravity is increasing, that means the sky… It will fall down!"

Wesker frowned. "I bet Chris would say something similar, and then ask Jack to help him keep the sky from falling down."

HUNK nodded and lighted his own joint, praying he wouldn't mistake Wesker for a turtle again. "Probably."

Ignoring both his employees, Wesker started to stare at his own joint again, and contemplated whether to light it or not. Sure, Chris was approaching, but then again… There were two Gatling Gun Majini waiting for him, as well as several Majini with rocket launchers, and a handful of them with regular weapons. The chances of Chris coming out of there alive were small, so perhaps it would be a good idea to just let go for now?

Wesker nodded to himself and smirked. "I will let go for one more time before claiming my right to be a god…" He turned to Krauser and HUNK and saluted his comrades. "Men, the right to smoke some pot, that right is now mine."

"The sky…" Krauser muttered.

Wesker lighted his joint and placed it between his lips. He had been working hard for the past three or so years, and it was nice to have some time off for once. Sure, that time off was very limited, and he had to share it with two others, but it made him happy.

Soon enough, Wesker was getting high himself and he just plopped down on the floor near HUNK to enjoy the ceiling. Slowly, he raised his hand to bring the joint to his mouth, and that was when he noticed. That was when he remembered. That was when he figured nothing could go wrong anymore.

He sat up quickly and pointed at HUNK. "Mr. Never Killed, the right to be a god is mine, no matter what they say, because just my hands are worthy enough on their own… They are so, so handy!"

HUNK nodded. "Yeah, I know, you got handy hands."

"The sky will fall down, you know?" Krauser was staring at the ceiling too, and wondered if the ceiling would break down underneath all that weight of the sky. "We need to prevent it from falling down."

"My handy hands could kill Chris in the blink of an eye! The eye of a fly, perhaps. For some reason, blinking takes a lot of time right now." Wesker blinked his eyes in a rather slow manner, as if he was falling asleep and waking up. "My hands are handy, but my eyes refuse to witness them properly." He yawned.

Krauser looked up at the mention of his favorite word. "Witness the power!"

Wesker nodded violently. "Witness the power of my handy hands wreaking havoc!" He cocked an eyebrow and yawned again. "Wait, no, they will not wreak havoc! They will…" Wesker yawned again and closed his eyes. Not to blink this time, though, but because he suddenly felt insanely tired. "Hmmmm, the right to smoke some god, that right is now fine."

Krauser reached for his pocket and pulled his cellphone out. He pressed it against his ear. "What, sir? There's nobody on the line…" He glanced at HUNK and saw the stern expression on his comrades' face. "Oh my, there's nobody on the line because the lines are dead, aren't they? It's because the sky must've fallen down already!"

HUNK nodded to himself and grabbed his own cellphone. "I will call my lady to see if she survived, then." He pressed a few buttons and waited for a reply. "Hello Joey? The sky fell down and now we're all doomed or something… Make sure you wear a helmet when you go outside!"

"Whut?" HUNK's girlfriend replied. "How about Uroboros?"

"Who?" HUNK asked.

"Uroboros!" Joey practically yelled. "You said I had to wear your gasmask and hide in the attic, so I am, and now you tell me I can go outside as long as I wear a helmet? I don't get it!"

"Doesn't matter, Jo, we'll fix this in the blink of an eye… The eye of a fly."

There was silence for a few seconds. "Are you eh, drunk?"

Krauser overheard the conversation and sat down next to the phone. "No! We're high!" He yelled loudly.

HUNK scratched the back of his head. "It's on speaker."

"My apologies for hurting your ears, lady! I will put the sky up again as soon as I rob Wesker in a minute! Good night!" Krauser pushed a button and the phone call was cut off. "Women, they can be so damn oblivious sometimes."

HUNK nodded. "Yes, yes they can…"

Wesker, who had fallen asleep for a minute or two, opened his eyes again and sat up. "Men, were we not working on accomplishing something?"

"Yes," HUNK answered, "complete global saturation."

Wesker snickered. "Right now it feels more like complete global levitation."

Krauser thought for a moment and then sighed. "I wish there was a complete global train station… I sometimes want to go somewhere, but those towns don't have train stations, so I have to go on Trekkie." He pouted. "Tractors can only go so far, you know?"

Wesker made some understanding noises as he stood up, balanced himself and walked to the railing. "You could take Trekkie on the train? I would let you, and I will rule the world soon, so no worries." He leaned on the railing to prevent himself from falling over, when he suddenly heard a noise behind him.

"Your plans are finished Wesker!" Chris Redfield, who has just entered, yelled.

Sheva continued with "there's no way out this time!"

"Don't you two…" Wesker started a sentence, but then realized what Chris had said. "Wait, my plants are finished? Of course they are, Redfield, we were smoking them for a reason."

Chris became a bit confused, but he didn't want Wesker to notice. "What do you expect to accomplish by unleashing Uroboros?"

"Ya know?" Krauser butted in. "Maybe Redfield wants to join too? We can share, I'll share with the woman, I don't want his cooties."

Wesker shook his head. "Only one truly capable of smoking some pot, deserves that right."

== Flashback scene ==

Wesker was standing a near a large window, while in the background an old man was talking to him. He turned around and clenched his fist. "Are you saying it was manufactured?"

The old man coughed. "I was to smoke some pot…"

In the blind of an eye, and this time not the eye of a fly, Wesker stood next to the old man and snatched something from his hands before pushing his wheelchair away. He stared at the stuff in his hand and grunted. "The right to smoke your pot, that right is now mine."

== End flashback ==

Wesker ignored Chris' confused looks and handgun and glanced at HUNK. "Why did I kill Spencer again?"

"The right to be a god?" HUNK asked.

"Of course… I never stole his pot, I had my own already…" Wesker turned back to Chris and yawned. "Chris… How are you?"

Chris finally lowered his handgun and stared at Sheva, who seemed just as confused as he did. "Sheva, are you thinking what I am thinking?"

Sheva nodded. "He's smoking the stuff, yes."

"I can't believe Wesker would smoke mary-ju-wanna… It's bad for the brain, it will kill brain cells faster than… Faster than… Some other things." Chris had a serious look on his face because he didn't know how to handle the situation. "Once, Barry smoked mary-ju-wanna too, and you know what he did? He kept squirting ketchup on the table, stating 'hope it's not Chris' blood!'"

Wesker snickered. "Oh, you gotta love Barry." Suddenly, Wesker laughed out loud. "Oh, that reminds me, Spencer once said 'The Wesker Children were entrusted with endless potential…' Haha, get it? POT-ential?"

HUNK laughed too and stood up. He did a back flip that came out of nowhere and pointed at himself. "I got an idea! After the Complete Global Saturation, we will do something called Complete Global Festation! We'll have a pot-party to celebrate taking over the world!"

"Infestation…" Wesker muttered. "Oh, we still need to reach the optimal altitude to release Uroboros into the atmosphere." He was still ignoring Chris as he jumped over the railing, walked up to the bomber equipped with missiles, and made an attempt to open its door. A bit confused he realized it didn't work, and was only barely able to back off when the thing was fired up.

"Someone took my keys!" Wesker yelled loudly as he witnessed the roof open and the bomber take off. "Wait, where is Jack?"

HUNK's phone rang, and he quickly picked it up. "Yes?"

"HUNK!" Krauser stated over the phone. "Listen, HUNK, I have found the perfect solution to our current situation! I will put the sky back up with the help of this flying saucer! Wish me luck!" And the phone call was cut off again.

Wesker frowned. "Dang… How come we didn't notice Jack take off like that?"

HUNK shrugged. "Doesn't matter, once he reaches the optimal altitude for missile employment, we'll get what we wanted anyway."

Wesker laughed. "Employment?"

"Well yes, we did hire… No wait, I'm confused…" HUNK yawned loudly and sat down on the floor, next to where Chris was standing. He leaned his head against Chris' leg and closed his eyes. "Wake me up before you go-go, or something." And a second later, the sanest man in the history of Resident Evil was off to dreamland.

Wesker shot HUNK a glare of disapproval and shook his head. "Well Chris, that just leaves you and me, and Shabba."

"It's Sheva." Sheva sneered.

"Shabba, like I said… Listen, perhaps we can talk this over tomorrow, I must now smoke another joint, reach the level of complete global levitation, and see if I can fly up to help Jack out… Good day." Wesker walked up to the light switches, and turned them all off before lighting another joint and quickly after falling asleep again.

In the meanwhile, Chris and Sheva were trying to figure out what to do. They could try to kill Wesker, wake him up and then face his wrath, or they could take a break too. Chris decided to go for the break, and after carefully placing HUNK completely on the floor, he pulled Sheva against him and closed his eyes too. "Oh, what a fucked up mission."

"Chris, we need to kill him, or them, actually… And how about that man that took off? Before we know it, Uroboros will be everywhere, and we will be to blame because you needed to take a nap."

"Do you know what mary-ju-wanna does to you, Shabba?" Chris asked.

Sheva sent him an ice cold glare.

"I mean Sheva, I'm sorry… It slows down your thinking and acting, and I bet that other guy already fell asleep, and is now flying around aimlessly until he crashes into a mountain."

"Chris! People will get hurt!"

"But not everyone on the planet… We can't help those people anymore, so we might as well take a quick nap, wake up full of energy and then take them out." Chris grabbed Sheva again and hugged her tightly. "Now let's sleep."

Sheva heaved a deep sigh and watched Chris as he fell asleep too. Now, she was the only one in the hangar that was still awake, and she would, she swore to God, not fall asleep herself. Someone had to keep an eye out, right?

But as much as Sheva fought the sleep that tried to wash over her, it became harder and harder to keep her eyes closed. And then, just before the first person would wake up again already, Sheva was off to dreamland too.

That first person to wake up again was Wesker. He opened his eyes and quickly remembered the things he had said and done. He also realized that Chris was still around, and that he and Sheva were asleep. He slowly shook his head and stood up, took a moment to balance himself and walked up to his arch enemy, feeling completely sober again. "Chris, you are such an idiot, I sometimes wonder how you were able to survive so many years."

Chris muttered something back, but didn't move or open his eyes.

Wesker smirked and started to poke Chris with his boot. He grabbed his Magnum and pointed it at his former comrade and current nemesis. "Chris, it's time to wake up and smell the roses for the last time."

Chris muttered something again, but he still didn't budge. He was probably having a sexy dream about both Jill and Sheva, for otherwise he would've been awake by now.

After Wesker poked him some more and made more remarks, Chris finally opened his eyes, only to be faced with the sight of a Magnum. "Oh crap."

"Time to die, Chris…" Wesker stated slowly. He nodded one last time and pulled the trigger, leaving a large, bleeding hole in Chris' head.

Sheva woke up to the sound of a large 'bang' near her head, and sat up with the speed of light. She reached for her handgun in order to defend herself from Wesker, but Chris' body was heavily leaning on her shoulders, and it was hard to move her arm properly.

"Shabba," Wesker stated when he saw her move around, "my sincerest apologies, but I should've done that years ago, so… Technically speaking, this is a good reason to celebrate, so because I'm in a rather nice mood right now, I'll just let you live… a little longer."

Suddenly, Wesker's phone bleeped. He took it out of his pocket and pressed it against his ear. "Yes?"

"Sir!" Krauser's voice echoed through the hangar. "I have done something rather amazing, if I may say so myself!"

"What is it?" Wesker inquired.

"I have released Uroboros into the atmosphere, ensuring complete global hesit… vaca… no wait, saturation!"

HUNK appeared right behind Wesker, and had put his gasmask on after calling his girlfriend to do the same thing. "Oh wow, we did it?"

With a sincere smile wider than anyone had ever seen before, Wesker turned to face Sheva and ran a hand through his hair. "Miss Alomar, though you've come this far, I am pleased to say that, and you should treasure these words because they are first spoken to you… The right to be a god, that right has now been claimed by me." He then turned to HUNK and slapped his comrade on the shoulder. "Now all we need to do is make sure you and your crazy lady are accepted by Uroboros, and when that happens , we'll finally be in total control of the planet."

Sheva finally found the guts to speak up. "You will not get away with this!"

"Oh dear heart, I already have… But don't you worry, it'll all be over soon." And with those words Wesker left the hangar to enjoy the sun on his face. The sun that would forever shine down on planet Earth.

**His** planet Earth.

You know what? I think it's completely safe to say that Wesker really does have a way with weed. And Krauser with Uroboros.

== Epilogue ==

With a loud grunt, Chris opened his eyes. "Argh, what the hell?"

Sheva was sitting next to him, ignoring the dancing HUNK in the background. "I infected you with Uroboros, to see if you'd survive. It has accepted you."

"That's because I have a very tolerant body," Chris stated with a serious expression on his face. He glanced at HUNK and noticed a joint had fallen out of the agent's pocket. He pointed at it. "Sheva, get me that joint, I could really use some mary-ju-wanna right now."

* * *

Yeah... And that was chapter 21 of WWW. I hope you liked it. If ya did, feel free to let me know. If you didn't... Well, it happens. Perhaps Chris is willing to share his mary-ju-wanna.

(I know it's marijuana. xD)

Until next time? I'll see if I can use some W-words that were left ages ago.  
FUNK (Or Triple T to those who are confused about what the heck happened.)


End file.
